Posts Tagged “qotd”

Sleeping is hard in the summer because blankets are too warm,
but without blankets I’m vulnerable to monsters.

My therapist and I decided that from now on, when I’m thinking something negative about myself, I’m going to imagine that Donald Trump is saying it, because it’s really easy for me to just tell him to fuck off.

Trump: “Your thighs are fat.”
Me: “Fuck you and your fucking wall.”

I think we’re onto something here.

I love my family, my cats, cooking, reading and finding shit out on the Internet.

Go choose the wine… but don’t take the barolo.
*puts on head torch and goes spelunking in the pantry*
OK, I have wine.
*inspects choices*
We’ve had all of these, go get the barolo.
You asked me to get the wine, I got wine!
OK. But this one is too young. Drink the old ones first…oh,this one is good, it’s 15%!
*puts back half the bottles I’d selected*

I need a bigger house!
No, cause then you’ll end up with another kitchen.

Katy, to Tolstoy:

You’re not a kitten. You’re a grumpy old man with bad hips and a heart condition.

Me, to Katy:

He’s your dad!