Posts Tagged “qotd”

My therapist and I decided that from now on, when I’m thinking something negative about myself, I’m going to imagine that Donald Trump is saying it, because it’s really easy for me to just tell him to fuck off.

Example:
Trump: “Your thighs are fat.”
Me: “Fuck you and your fucking wall.”

I think we’re onto something here.

I love my family, my cats, cooking, reading and finding shit out on the Internet.

Go choose the wine… but don’t take the barolo.
*puts on head torch and goes spelunking in the pantry*
OK, I have wine.
*inspects choices*
We’ve had all of these, go get the barolo.
You asked me to get the wine, I got wine!
OK. But this one is too young. Drink the old ones first…oh,this one is good, it’s 15%!
*puts back half the bottles I’d selected*

I need a bigger house!
No, cause then you’ll end up with another kitchen.

Katy, to Tolstoy:

You’re not a kitten. You’re a grumpy old man with bad hips and a heart condition.

Me, to Katy:

He’s your dad!

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​”Men are disappointed when their wives change, and women are disappointed that their husbands don’t change.”

… Bambi the prostitute 

Do you? 

I’m really good at that last one.

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As a side note, there’s a whole website dedicated to lasertits. I love the Internet.