Posts Tagged “the british way”

Sometimes, when having to deal with other people, you just smile and nod.

Happiness is a full English breakfast. It’s fat in many colours.

Dirt cheap premixed cocktails in a can. Go on, my son!

We’re going shopping when we’re drunk and hungry this is bad. 

We’re not drunk and hungry. 

OK, we’re tipsy and peckish. 

Lord Buckethead made an appearance at Glastonbury Festival on Friday.

Greeted by chants of his name, the former aspiring MP began: “Good evening Glastonbury! Are you having a good time? I am Lord Buckethead, intergalactic space lord.”

He then helpfully clarified: “I am not Lorde the New Zealand songstress,” before going on to reference Labour leader Jeremy’s Corbyn’s widely-publicised slot as a guest speaker at Glastonbury on Saturday.

“I thought to myself: why should the Pyramid stage be the only stage to receive a guest appearance from a political leader? The Park Stage should have one too! So here I am,” he explained, before revealing the “truth” behind his recent political tussle with the current Prime Minister.

“Now, it is only two weeks ago that I faced Theresa May,” Buckethead reminded his audience, pausing to allow for a chorus of boos at May’s name. “In the battle of the Magnet Leisure Centre, Maidenhead.

“The mainstream media would have you believe that she defeated me. Thirty-seven thousand votes to 249.”

In fact, Buckethead said, he had won the election, but had knowingly taken the better deal: instead of facing “agonising” Brexit negotiations in Brussels, he was free to attend Glastonbury.

Speaking to the Guardian after his appearance he gave some thoughts on how Brexit negotiations have been going.

“Could a slightly mouldy pain au chocolat negotiate Brexit better than Theresa May and David Davis? Yes. So yes I could, but whether I should is another matter.”

Asked what advice he would give May and Davis for Brexit, he said: “Be sophisticated, the Europeans are a smart bunch.

“There was a photograph the other day of the negotiating team from Great Britain and the negotiating team from Europe and the team from Europe looked so much smarter, they looked smarter sartorially, intellectually, and they had women, which is something British diplomats seem to have forgotten.”

It has been exactly one year since Britain voted to leave the European Union and all that this year has proven is that Brexit has been a deeply costly waste of time.

Since the referendum result we have seen:

– A year of leadership contests within the two main political parties in Britain;
– Court cases trying to prevent Brexit from happening;
– Embarrassing leaks demonstrating Prime Minister Theresa May’s weak ability to negotiate with the EU.
– Volatile markets, the decimation of the pound, and preparations for job relocations;
– A disastrous general election that has put Britain in line for a Brexit deal that looks very similar to what we have now;
– A government in disarray;
– And finally the possibility that Brexit could be reversed …

It is all a bit pointless. I mean even if you look at the EU referendum results from June 23, 2016, it was not even a resounding victory. Leave won by just 51.89% versus Remain at 48.11%.

Britain started Brexit talks this week and it has all been a bit of a farce. After Prime Minister Theresa May saying repeatedly over the last year that she would go in head first into negotiations with a “hard Brexit” plan — relinquishing full Single Market access in lieu of total control over immigration — her and her chief negotiator buckled during the first day of talks.

Firstly, the UK government has been forced to accept the EU’s timetable for talks and in areas that would not have been at the forefront of Britain’s priorities:

– Agreeing to let 3 million EU citizens that have lived in the UK for 5 years or more as “settled” post-Brexit.
– The Brexit divorce bill where Britain will have to agree to pay up to €99.6 billion (£87 billion) to the EU.

Britain and the EU will have to sort these issues out first — something the EU had continually said it wanted to do before trade negotiations begin. It is unlikely that Britain will come out strong from the talks, after all, it could not even get the timetable to its liking.

Cause honestly, he can’t be worse than Davi(D|S) and Boris.

Among those to have raised the most eyebrows is Lord Buckethead, who appeared alongside Theresa May on the podium as results were read out for the Maidenhead constituency. Buckethead, a self-described “intergalactic space lord” whose real name is unknown, won 249 votes in the Berkshire contest. It is not the first time Buckethead has stood against a prime minister – a candidate with the same name took on Margaret Thatcher in 1987 and lost with just 131 votes. He also stood against John Major in 1992. This time around, Buckethead campaigned on a platform of strong but “not entirely stable leadership” and describes himself as enjoying planet-conquering, dominating inferior species, and Lovejoy. His manifesto, he declared after the results had been confirmed, delivered him a “new Buckethead record”. Buckethead’s reappearance on the political scene did not go unnoticed.

While most British people are used to a varied range of candidates, mostly due to the advent of the oddball Monster Raving Loony party, election watchers from further afield were fascinated. Away from Maidenhead, the leader of the Liberal Democrats, Tim Farron, had to contend with an unusual opponent in Cumbria’s Westmorland and Lonsdale. Farron held on to his seat with a reduced majority of 777. Adding insult to injury, he was upstaged during his victory speech by Mr Fishfinger, a man dressed as a piece of frozen food. Fishfinger, who changed his name by deed poll to take part in the election, decided to run after an informal Twitter poll found users would rather be led by a fish finger than Farron. He got 309 votes.

It would have been better, but it could have been a lot worse. Voter turn-out was the highest it has been for a general election since 1997.

Jeremy Corbyn said the face of British politics has changed and called on Theresa May to resign after her snap general election left Britain with a hung parliament 11 days before Brexit talks begin. The Labour leader declared: “Politics has changed. Politics isn’t going back into the box where it was before. What’s happened is people have said they’ve had quite enough of austerity politics.” Corbyn said May had called the election to assert her authority. “She wanted a mandate. Well, the mandate she’s got is lost Conservative seats, lost votes, lost support and lost confidence. I would have thought that is enough for her to go.”

There is blood in the conservative water and the sharks are circling. Let the back-biting and finger-pointing frenzy begin!