{"id":26333,"date":"2016-03-30T09:24:27","date_gmt":"2016-03-30T09:24:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/?p=26333"},"modified":"2016-03-30T09:24:27","modified_gmt":"2016-03-30T09:24:27","slug":"the-hand-tells-some-really-really-bad-jokes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/2016\/03\/30\/the-hand-tells-some-really-really-bad-jokes\/","title":{"rendered":"The hand tells some really, really bad jokes!"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"wp-1459329753173.jpg\"<\/a><\/p>\n

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
\nTwo: one to change it, and one to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT LADDER.<\/p>\n

What do you call a cow with no legs?
\nGround beef.<\/p>\n

What did the perverted frog say?
\nRubbit!<\/p>\n

What do you call a fake noodle?
\nAn impasta.<\/p>\n

What’s large, grey and doesn’t matter?
\nAn irrelephant.<\/p>\n

What do you call a snobbish prisonner falling down stars?
\nA condescending con descencing.<\/p>\n

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
\nVirgin mobile.<\/p>\n

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
\nDam!<\/p>\n

How do you feel when you’re out of coffee?
\nDepresso.<\/p>\n

How do you catch a bra?
\nWith a booby trap!<\/p>\n

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
\nBecause when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said “Bach! Bach! Bach!”<\/p>\n

What does a Mexican decorator put under his carpet?
\nUnderlay! Underlay!<\/p>\n

What kind of dinosaur has the best vocabulary?
\nThe Thesaurus Rex.<\/p>\n

Knock! Knock!
\nWho’s there?
\nLittle old lady.
\nLittle old lady who?
\nI didn’t know you could yodel.<\/p>\n

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
\nOne’s really heavy and the other one is a little lighter.<\/p>\n

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?
\nSomeone who points out the obvious.<\/p>\n

What does do vegan zombies eat?
\nGRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS!<\/p>\n

What do sprinters eat before a race?
\nNothing, they fast.<\/p>\n

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
\nNothing, they just waved.<\/p>\n

What do you call two Spanish guys playing basketball?
\nJuan on Juan.<\/p>\n

A man walks into a bar holding a piece of asphalt.
\nThe man says “one beer please, and one for the road”.<\/p>\n

How does Moses make his tea?
\nHebrews it!<\/p>\n

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
\nNothing, but it let out a little whine.<\/p>\n

Did you hear that Santa relocated his workshop to Brazil?
\nThat’s why all my Christmas presents came from Amazon last year.<\/p>\n

Why did the pig stop sunbathing?
\nHe was bacon in the heat.<\/p>\n

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.<\/p>\n

I went to a zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.<\/p>\n

Sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says “get out, we don’t serve food here”.<\/p>\n

Font walks into a bar. The bartender says “get out, we don’t serve your type here”.<\/p>\n

Did you hear the one about the blonde bank robber? She tied up the safe and blew the guard.<\/p>\n

How do you keep a blonde busy?
\nWrite \u201cflip\u201d on both sides of a sheet of paper.<\/p>\n

How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day?
\nHand her a bottle of shampoo that says \u201clather, rinse, repeat.\u201d<\/p>\n

Why do blondes stare at orange juice containers for hours on end?
\nBecause they say \u201cconcentrate.\u201d<\/p>\n

Why\u2019d the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
\nShe kept throwing out all the W\u2019s.<\/p>\n

A Mormon, a Muslim, and a Buddhist walked into a bar,
\nwhich is strange as none of them are allowed to drink alcohol.<\/p>\n

“We don’t allow faster than light travel in here”, said the bartender.
\nA neutrino walks into a bar.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb? Two: one to change it, and one to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT LADDER. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What did the perverted frog say? Rubbit! What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. What’s large,…<\/p>\n

Read More “The hand tells some really, really bad jokes!”<\/span> »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[289],"class_list":["post-26333","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-the-hand"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3u9vK-6QJ","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26333","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=26333"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26333\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":26335,"href":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26333\/revisions\/26335"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=26333"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=26333"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=26333"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}