{"id":41413,"date":"2018-11-22T22:48:07","date_gmt":"2018-11-22T22:48:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/?p=41413"},"modified":"2018-11-25T14:07:04","modified_gmt":"2018-11-25T14:07:04","slug":"aliens-talking-with-and-about-humans","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/2018\/11\/22\/aliens-talking-with-and-about-humans\/","title":{"rendered":"Aliens talking with and about humans"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Alien: \u201cI\u2019m sorry, what did you just say your comfortable temperature range is?\u201d
\nHuman: \u201cHonestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celcius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.\u201d
\nAlien: \u201c… I\u2019m sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing?\u201d
\nHuman: \u201cYeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bit nippy.\u201d
\nOther human: \u201cNah mate, I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least.\u201d
\nHuman: \u201cHeh. Yeah everybody knows someone like that.\u201d
\nAlien: \u201c… And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, half way to boiling?\u201d
\nHuman: \u201cEugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god help you if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.\u201d
\nAlien: \u201cAnd you say the poles of your world would get as low as negative one hundred with wind chill?\u201d
\nHuman: \u201cYup, with blizzards you cant see through every other day just about.\u201d
\nAlien: \u201cAmazing! when did you manage to send drones that could survive such temperatures?\u201d
\nHuman: \u201c… well, actually… \u201d
\nAlien: \u201c… what?\u201d
\nHuman: \u201c… we kinda… sent… people. \u201d
\nAlien: \u201c…\u201d
\nHuman: \u201c…\u201d
\nAlien: \u201cwhat?\u201d
\nHuman: \u201cwe sent-\u201d
\nAlien: \u201cno yeah I heard you I just- what? You sent… HUMANS… to a place one hundred degrees below freezing?\u201d
\nHuman: \u201cy-yeah\u201d
\nAlien: \u201cand they didn’t… die?\u201d
\nHuman: \u201cWell the first few did\u201d
\nAlien: \u201cPEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND More PEOPLE???!?!?!?\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

Alien: \u201cYou\u2019re telling me that you have… settlements. On islands with active volcanism?\u201d
\nHuman: \u201cWell, yeah. I\u2019m not about to tell Iceland and Hawaii how to live their lives. Actually, it\u2019s kind of a tourist attraction.\u201d
\nAlien: \u201cWhat, the molten rock?\u201d
\nHuman: \u201cWell, yeah! It\u2019s not every day you see a mountain spew out liquid rocks! The best one is Yellowstone, though. All these hot springs and geysers from the supervolcano\u2013\u201d
\nAlien: \u201cYou ACTIVELY SEEK OUT ACTIVE SUPERVOLCANOES?\u201d
\nHuman: \u201cS**t, man, we swim in the groundwater near them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cCommander, we must update the code of conduct to include the humans.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy? Are they more aggressive than we anticipated?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt seems to be the opposite Commander. Just this morning a crewman nearly lost their hand when attempting to stroke an unidentified feline on an unknown world. Their reaction to the attack was to call the creature a \u201cmean kitty\u201d and vow to win it over. Upon inquiry, it seems they bond so readily with creatures outside their species that they have the capacity to feel sympathy for an alien creature they have never seen before simply because it appears distressed. I hate to say this commander but we must install a rule to prevent them from endangering their own lives when interacting with the galaxy\u2019s fauna.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI see what you mean. So be it, from now on no crewman is allowed to touch unknown animals without permission from a superior officer. And send a message to supplies about acquiring one of these \u201cpuppies\u201d so that their desire to touch furred predators can be safely sated.<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cSo I hear that you\u2019ve just recruited a human for your ship.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, it\u2019s the first time that I\u2019ve worked with these species, but they come highly recommended. Say, you\u2019ve worked with a few, what tips can you give me? I\u2019d hate to have some kind of cultural misunderstanding if it\u2019s avoidable.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe first rule of working with humans is to never leave them unsupervised.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWait, what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m serious. Don\u2019t do it. Things. Happen.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut wait, I thought that I heard you highly recommended that every crew should have at least one on board?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAbsolutely, and I stand by that. Humans are excellent innovators and are psychologically very resilient. If you have a crisis, then a human that has bonded with your crew properly can be invaluable. Treat your human well and you should get the best out of them as a crew member. Their ability to get on with almost any species is legendary.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut, didn\u2019t you just say… \u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe trouble is that they will potentially try to bond with anything. If you leave them unsupervised, you have no idea what kind of trouble they can get themselves into. It was sheer luck that the Fanzorians thought that it was funny that the human picked up the Crown Prince to coo at him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCrown Prince Horram, Scourge of Pixia?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe very same. Surprisingly good sense of humor. But don\u2019t even get me started on that one time with the Dunlip. Al-Human wanted to know if they could keep it. As a pet.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA Dunlip? You mean the 3-metre tall apex predators from Jowun?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYup. Don\u2019t leave your humans unsupervised.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll uh, take that under advisement.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cSeriously. Get a supply of safe animals for the humans to bond with or they will make their own. I mean, they will try to befriend anything they come across anyway, but without any permanent pets they can get… creative. Don\u2019t even get me started on the time one of them taped a knife to one of our auto-cleaners and named it Stabby.<\/p>\n

Three weeks in and when we finally caught the wretched thing, half the humans on crew tried to revolt about us \u201ckilling\u201d Stabby by removing the knife.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow… how did you resolve that sir?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGlaxcol made a toy knife out of insulation rubber and strapped that on instead. Quite a creative solution, I suppose.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd that sated the humans?<\/p>\n

\u201cWorse.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWorse?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey thought it was so funny they made a second one, strapped false eyes on springs to both and held mock battles. Then decided Stabby and Knifey were in love and now none of them will allow the others to stage fights between them any more.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, if I supply my Humans with safe bonding pets they will behave better when on other planets? Where do I get safe bonding pets?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRealizing the havoc their species created with their bonding needs, Earth has been kind enough to create an intergalactic \u2018pet\u2019 shop as they call it, the order forms are on the bridge.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf they get a pet this should prevent any knife welding auto-cleaners?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes… ”<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t sound very reassuring.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell… You have to understand that some of what humans find attractive about their \u2018pets\u2019 is actually what makes them dangerous. Not all of what they consider \u2018safe\u2019 is what we would consider \u2018safe\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOK\u2026 I am getting a little nervous about this.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, no, it\u2019s fine, I\u2019m just saying you should maybe keep an eye on what they order. Ask them to describe the creature before they get it. For example, the first time I had a human on board I let them order a pet without checking what it was.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n

Well, when it arrived it was a 25 pound fanged and clawed feline creature called a Savannah Cat. My entire crew was terrified of it, it was agile and could easily have seriously injured someone, but the human had no fear of it. They insisted on carrying it around like a child, and they would squeeze it\u2019s \u2018beans\u2019 as they said, forcing the creatures claws out, and then they would show people it\u2019s deadly claws while saying, and I quote, \u2018look at its adorable claws, this is what it uses to kills things, isn\u2019t it cute?\u2019\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cSeriously?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI have also heard stories from other crews that their humans ordered canines that weigh as much or more then they do, and they sleep next to the giant creature.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are not making me feel better with these stories.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Alien: \u201cI\u2019m sorry, what did you just say your comfortable temperature range is?\u201d Human: \u201cHonestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celcius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.\u201d Alien: \u201c… I\u2019m sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing?\u201d Human: \u201cYeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or…<\/p>\n

Read More “Aliens talking with and about humans”<\/span> »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[14,407,132],"class_list":["post-41413","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-comics","tag-fiction","tag-random-shit"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3u9vK-aLX","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41413","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=41413"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41413\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":41419,"href":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41413\/revisions\/41419"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=41413"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=41413"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.flubu.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=41413"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}