Posts Tagged “god bless the land of the free”

In keeping with the new spirit of America, all mention of Jews, Arabs, Africans and immigrants have been removed from this Nativity scene. All that is left are sheep, led by a jackass. Sounds legit.

Twice a day since the beginning of the Trump administration, a special folder is prepared for the president. The first document is prepared around 9:30 a.m. and the follow-up, around 4:30 p.m. Former Chief of Staff Reince Priebus and former Press Secretary Sean Spicer both wanted the privilege of delivering the 20-to-25-page packet to President Trump personally, White House sources say.

These sensitive papers, described to VICE News White House officials, don’t contain top-secret intelligence or updates on legislative initiatives. Instead, the folders are filled with screenshots of positive cable news, admiring tweets, transcripts of fawning TV interviews, praise-filled news stories, and sometimes just pictures of Trump on TV looking powerful. One White House official said the only feedback the White House communications shop, which prepares the folder, has ever gotten in all these months is: “It needs to be more fucking positive.”

However, recently, Trump’s administration parted ways with yet another staffer. Andy Hemming resigned from his position as the White House communications team’s director of rapid response. The RNC staffer was responsible for assembling what was internally referred to as “the propaganda document” and recirculating those reports to key reporters and talking heads. Hemming’s goal was to ultimately create more mainstream coverage about positive moments for the Trump administration on the very networks the president routinely bashes and refers to as “fake news”.

This week across America, millions of children will be getting ready to go back to school and returning home that evening with their first work assignment – an essay with the title: “What I did on my summer holidays.”

Now imagine for a second you’re Donald Trump, and you’ve just been given that piece of homework. I think the first thing you’re going to do is ask for a few extra sheets of paper because, what a summer. This is what Donald and his pals in the White House got up to:

  • Tweets a doctored video of himself performing a bodyslam on Vince McMahon at WrestleMania 23, with the CNN logo superimposed on McMahon’s head
  • Goes to the G20 meeting. Meets Putin twice, one occasion not reported to the press. At one session, sends Ivanka in his place
  • Hires a new communications director called Anthony Scaramucci
  • Press secretary Sean Spicer quits in protest. Says he’s happy but is fulminating
  • The Mooch (aka Scaramucci) gives obscene interview to New Yorker magazine
  • Trump fires his chief of staff, the hapless Reince Priebus (abandoned at Andrews air force base)
  • Hires a new one, Gen Kelly, who was the head of homeland security
  • On Kelly’s first day, the president fires the new communications director – Scaramucci has lasted just 10 days – less time than it takes for a pint of milk to go off
  • He hires a new comms director, his fourth in seven months
  • He publicly shames his attorney-general, numerous times, but Jeff Sessions clings on
  • Loses a healthcare bill
  • Publicly lashes the three Republicans who voted against it, several times
  • Bans transgender people from the military, via Twitter, without telling the military
  • Military chiefs say: “Forget it, we don’t take orders from tweets; there’s a chain of command”
  • Makes political speech to Scouts aged between 11-18
  • Claims Scouts leader rang to congratulate him on greatest speech ever made
  • Scouts leader says there was no such call, and issues statement apologising to Scouts for president’s misjudged address
  • Says the president of Mexico rang to congratulate him on his border policies
  • Mexican president says no such call ever took place
  • White House denies the president is a liar, but can’t explain the president’s claims
  • Takes days to sign bipartisan sanctions bill and then criticises Congress for making him sign it
  • Thanks Vladimir Putin for expelling hundreds of American diplomats
  • Condemns leaks but then says he likes the leaks because it shows people love him
  • Encourages police officers to be rough with suspects during arrests
  • Police chiefs condemn statement. White House clarifies that it was a joke
  • Publicly shames the Republican Senate leader, whom he needs to get anything done, several times
  • Seems to respond to North Korea by threatening nuclear war
  • Tells Guam, which has a big US military base which North Korea’s leader threatened to attack, that the publicity will help tourism
  • Chief strategist Steve Bannon contradicts president. Says: “There’s no military option in NK”
  • Threatens Venezuela with a military option
  • After a neo-Nazi rally in which a woman was killed, the president blames both sides
  • Retweets photoshopped cartoon of a train running over a CNN reporter
  • After backlash, cleans it up. Denounces white supremacists, neo-Nazis and the Ku Klux Klan
  • Cross at having been forced to do this, erases all of it and reverts to blaming both sides, saying there were “fine people there”
  • Military high command issue statement condemning all forms of discrimination in thinly veiled attack on commander-in-chief
  • Promotes his Virginia vineyard when asked if he will – as president – visit Charlottesville
    And gets condemnations from Democrats, Republicans, former presidents, world leaders, allies, his own staff, and the Pope.

  • Vineyard says they have no affiliation with him
  • Publicly shames company bosses who abandon him. There’s a mass walkout by execs leading to disbanding of key White House business bodies
  • Fires Steve Bannon, his chief strategist and architect of Trump victory
  • Does U-turn on Afghanistan and commits more troops, having repeatedly said he’d pull US forces out
  • Threatens to close government down if he doesn’t get funding for border wall with Mexico
  • Appeals for unity of American people
  • Next day lambasts his enemies and critics in highly partisan speech
  • Day after that appeals for unity again
  • Pardons ex-Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio, who had been convicted for defying court order to stop traffic patrols targeting suspected immigrants

And this is the quiet season. This is the still, millpond of August when nothing happens; when days are long and news bulletins are slim, when surfing dogs and the battle of the bake-offs should dominate the news cycle.
Barack Obama’s former chief of staff, and now the Mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel, tweeted at one point that he was going to nominate the White House for a Tony award for most drama. Not best drama. Just most.

Original article published by the BBC

I imagine that this is how Trump sees himself, and how he desperately wants to be seen as: forceful, decisive, presidential.

However, over the last year or so, the “fake news” media has portrayed him in… another light: a bully, a child, a buffoon, a racist, an egomaniac and someone who is completely unsuited for his current role.

We all know that Trump is obsessed with Twitter. At last count, he had over 35 million followers. Surprisingly though, he’s only following 45 accounts (I’m barely on Twitter, and I have double that number). Here’s a quick breakdown of who matters in the world of Trump:

Accounts associated with his children: 6
Accounts associated with politics: 10 (3 of which belong to people he subsequently fired)
Accounts associated with news organizations: 12 (11 of which are directly linked to Fox News)
Accounts associated with the Trump brand: 12

So who does that leave:

Piers Morgan – Professional twat
Vince McMahon – CEO of WWE Wrestling
Mark Burnett – Reality TV producer (among others, the Apprentice)
Roma Downey – Wife of Mark Burnett
Gary Player – Pro golfer

God bless America.

From twitter:

Donald was a curious child,
His hands were small, his hair was wild,
His face was orange like the sun,
He liked to make up words for fun.

But the curiousest thing of all,
A thing so bigly, yet so small,
The little chap had no control,
Of where his fingers chose to stroll.

Where’er he went, his palms would itch,
His tiny digits start to twitch,
They simply just could not resist,
Pressing that and squeezing this

Donald’s riches were untold,
He was obsessed with all things gold.
He lived atop a golden tower,
And loved to take a golden shower.

But Donald wasn’t satisfied
He stomped his feet and cried and cried,
He pulled a face and sucked his thumb,
He even made the Pope look glum

Everyone the small boy met,
Bemoaned his lack of etiquette,
Tall, short, old, young, slim or fat,
They all cried,
“Donald, DON’T DO THAT!”

Keen to stem his groping habit,
Don’s mother thought to buy a rabbit,
And so one Tuesday off they set,
To Mr Melnik’s World of Pets . .

But soon as he ran thru the door
There came a most almighty roar
Of grunts, barks, squawks and squeaking
(He wasn’t good at public speaking)

He rang the budgies’ tiny bells
Prised the turtles from their shells
He didn’t care, wasn’t fussy
He stroked each puppy, grabbed each pussy

‘Out!’ the owner reprimanded,
And so the boy left empty-handed,
Aside from fur clumps and, I fear,
A very tiny piece of ear.

Leaving Melnik and his critters,
Suffering from ticks and jitters,
And also, thanks to our marauder,
Post-traumatic stress disorder.

But there was one place, I recall,
Where Donald acted worst of all,
The boy just wasn’t made for schools,
He simply couldn’t follow rules!

He had no tact, he had no filter
His social skills were out of kilter
The only thing he knew to do
Was yell and yell till class was through

In fact the only friend he had,
Was a strange young fella name of Vlad,
Who drank vodka and Tabasco sauce,
Bare-chested on the rocking horse

Young Donald couldn’t see the harm,
In setting off the fire alarm,
(That naughty little trouble glutton,
Could not resist a big red button)

And when the school had congregated,
In the playground, agitated
Once five minutes had expired,
He’d jump and yell ‘You’ve all been fired!’

It may be true that Donald tried,
To be upright and dignified,
But sad to say, the proverb stands,
The Devil makes work for tiny hands.

Try and try as best he might,
Poor Donald simply couldn’t write,
His teacher stared in disbelief,
When he spelled coverage ‘covfefe’!

Young Donald built a wall one day,
To keep the Mexicans at bay,
But when he said ‘Call me El Jefe!’
They stuck the bricks up his #covfefe.

Making trouble was a cinch,
For the little orange grinch,
He ran with scissors, tugged girls’ hair,
His tiny hands were everywhere!

When Donald set his school aflame,
The fire chief asked who was to blame.
He said, “I cannot tell a lie,
It must have been the FBI.”

Though Donald never touched the booze,
He believed in aliens and Fox News,
Santa, Bigfoot, all things strange
Everything but climate change!

Donald blew his vast resources
On cheeseburgers and new golf courses.
Cash that would be better spent
On meds and anger management.

“Oh Donald!” cried his mother sadly,
“How did you do quite so badly?”
“It’s all lies!” was his retort,
“It must be a fake school report!”

Donald’s face was big and orange,
Which made it very difficult to write a satirical poem about him…

In a not-so-subtle jab at President Trump’s relationship with Russia, Time’s newest cover, for their May 29th edition, features the White House slowly being morphed into Moscow’s St. Basil’s Cathedral.

Gerald Anthony Scarfe is an English illustrator, artist, political cartoonist and stage designer. Gerald Scarfe has enjoyed a career spanning over more than five decades. His style is immediately recognisable and work includes Pink Floyd to Walt Disney, The Sunday Times to The New Yorker and Winston Churchill to the politicians of the present day.

My therapist and I decided that from now on, when I’m thinking something negative about myself, I’m going to imagine that Donald Trump is saying it, because it’s really easy for me to just tell him to fuck off.

Example:
Trump: “Your thighs are fat.”
Me: “Fuck you and your fucking wall.”

I think we’re onto something here.

60s-era advertisement re-branded with actual Trump quotes.

Original link here.