Day: September 23, 2004

Went to bed early last night, but I slept poorly. Lots of changes in my life these days means lots of anxiety, which mean muscle tension, which means me waking up in the middle of the night.

loads of fun.

… and that makes it all better.

Just came back from Dinner with Stepane, Robin and a friend of hers whom I don't even recall the name at the moment. I feel.. meh. Robin is, and I believe always will be, a source of mixed feelings. She's beautiful, and a good friend, and I know it could never be more than friendship. At the same time, it's almost impossible to reconcile the, well, lust I have for her with who I am and how I feel about her.

Tonight was just another of those evenings. I felt… jealous. Excluded. Because they'd all come from a nude photo shoot. From what they were saying, it seemed like a good time. They kept going on and on and making little inside jokes, and teasing me about the pictures. Now I understand why she – very politely – told me i couldn't come. They're excellent reasons. For her, nudity is nothing. For Stephane, it's a professional shoot and he's beyond reproach in that regards. Her friend, well, they used to live together. For me, given the fact that she knows I lust after her, it wouldn't have been a good idea for all the obvious reasons. Doesn't change the fact that I resent it, just a wee little bit. I hate feeling like this. Jealousy is a self-defeating process. I just have to deal with it.

it's still not fun though.