Caveat Emptor dude!

Disgruntled Asian Tattoo Artist Inks His Revenge

Pitt junior Brandon Smith wanted a tattoo that proclaimed his manliness, so he decided to get the Chinese characters for strength and honor on his chest. After 20 minutes under the needle of local tattoo artist Andy Sakai, he emerged with the symbol for small penis embedded in his flesh.

I had it for months before I knew what it really meant, Smith said.

Then I went jogging through the Carnegie Mellon campus and a group of Asian kids started laughing and calling me Shorty. Thats when I knew something was up.

Sakai, an award-winning tattoo artist, was tired of seeing sacred Japanese words, symbols of his heritage, inked on random white people. So he used their blissful ignorance to make an everlasting statement. Any time acustomer came to Sakais home studio wanting Japanese tattooed on them, he modified it into a profane word or phrase.

All these preppy sorority girls and suburban rich boys think theyre so cool cause they have a tattoo with Japanese characters. But it doesnt mean shit to them! Sakai said. The dumbasses dont even realize that Ive written slut or pervert on their skin!

In the last month, seven people unknowingly received explicit tattoos from the disgruntled artist. Kerri Baker, a Carlow College freshman, paid $50 to have the symbols for beautiful goddess etched above her belly button, but when she went into Szechuan Express Asian Noodle Shop sporting a bare midriff, the giggling employees explained to her that the tattoo really said, Insert General Tsos Chicken Here!

I dont even like General Tsos! Baker sobbed. Im a vegetarian!

Sakai doesnt feel guilty about using hapless college students as canvases for his graffiti.

I think Im helping my fellow man by labeling all the stupid people in the world, he explained. Its not a crime, its a public service.

Asian Tattoo Artist Inks Revenge Behind Bars

When local tattoo artist Andy Sakai was sentenced to five years in prison for inking profanities on hordes of hapless customers, many thought his days of body desecration were over.

They were wrong.

Sakais latest victims are no longer college students. His current targets are, ironically, his fellow inmates.

Using a tattoo gun fashioned out of a sharpened paper clip, dental floss, and a ballpoint pen taped to a plastic spork, the disgruntled prisoner has drawn Black Panther Party symbols on white supremacists, written CRIPS 4 EVA on rival gang members, and left dozens of hardened criminals with butterflies, fairies, and unicorns permanently etched in their skin.

“I wanted a stack of skulls on my back,” said murderer Jimmy Drake, “and that Asian prick gave me a giant Winnie the Pooh!”

Many prisoners ask for spider webs on their elbows to signify time spent in jail. Sakais webs have hidden messages in them such as, “Fuck Cops,” “I Swallow,” and “Salad Tosser.” Sakai got the idea for the cryptic tats after reading Charlottes Web in the prison library. “That E.B. Whites a genius, man,” Sakai proclaimed.

For his own protection, Sakai has been moved to solitary confinement where hell serve the rest of his sentence.

“Prison isnt so bad,” Sakai said. “It gives me time to sit and seriously contemplate my next diabolically evil plan!”