2008 was, except for some bright spots that were few and very far between, a shit year. It started off with some drama over the Christmas trip that escalated into a full blown email shouting match between Katy, my sister and myself (that has only now started to resolve itself). We came back and went to fetch Reenie, our new kitten. That started off a bit rocky but she turned into a big, loveable furball. She’s one of the high points. I had to cancel a once-in-a-lifetime all expenses paid trip to Japan because of a health scare. We did manage to use my home leave allocation to treat ourselves to a nice trip to Canada, just the two of us (and Bobbles), which was another high point. My work productivity fell to an all-time low because I was so worried about complications all throughout Katy’s pregnancy (which included, in no particular order, three hospitalizations, high blood pressure, allergic reactions to medication, a recurrent boil that required massive doses of antibiotics, gestational diabetes, an emergency c-section – which subsequently became septic and required a call to 911 when it burst in a river of pus that took weeks to clear up – and having to deal with the shittiest bus service in town and spending a small fortune in cab fare). Katy’s dad had to have a quadruple heart bypass. Tolstoy got hit by a car and had to stay in a cage in our living room for close to two months.
Then, there was Ben. He counts for a big high point, because even though there was drama at his birth and he had to stay in Special Care for a little bit, he was born with all the right bits in all the right places and currently seems to be thriving. There were a few hiccups at first, while we were still trying to cope with the mechanics of taking care of a small baby. Our boiler broke down during the then-coldest weekend of the winter and we had no heating for 48 hours. Luckily, Will and Donna lent us a portable electric heater so we didn’t freeze to death. With the coldest winter in recent memory and with the shit insulation in our house, I don’t even want to think about what our energy bills are going to be like this quarter. Our main goal this year is to buy our own house because there’s no way in hell do I want to spend another winter in the house we live in. It’s so drafty that I had to buy some weatherseal so we could block out the windows and stop the wind from making our wind chimes tinkling – with all doors and windows closed!
Ben’s almost doubled his birth weight and is starting to settle down, but that’s not been the easiest road to travel. I can say that, without a shadow of a doubt, it’s been the hardest thing we’ve ever had to deal with. We hit rock bottom during the time we were in Leicester, over Christmas. I didn’t know what to expect when I became a parent, but I can honestly say that I never expected it to be this hard. It’s been an emotional roller coaster. The highs are when he’s happy and gurgly and smiles. He’s gorgeous. The lows are when he’s been crying for what seems like days on end, and you’re so tired and you don’t know what to do but you just want the crying to stop. You’re so very, very, bone crushingly tired. You have nothing left to give, but you have to. You try everything. All the books and the people give you conflicting advice. You’re physically and emotionally wrung out.
We’ve had moments where we keep telling ourselves that yes, we can do this and other moments when we think we’ve made the biggest mistake in our lives and we’re not up to the task.
He’s 8 weeks now. The only consistent piece of advice we’ve gotten from everybody is that things get better. Even though we have no clue what we’re doing from moment to the next, each little event should become less of a drama and more commonplace. Our Health Visitor, Jenny, was saying that we were doing well and that we were good parents. It’s very hard to judge, considering that we have very few reference points.
All I know for now is that we haven’t had a good night’s sleep since he was born. We’re both tired. We’re both emo. We both find life difficult at times. We’ve never been closer as a couple, because we can talk about things. We need to. Otherwise, we’d just break down.
Katy is having her 8-week post-natal health check this Friday. She’s gotten a referral for some counselling for her blues. I think I should do the same. I’ve lost over 20 pounds since mid-November. I’m back at work now, after almost two months at home with Katy and Ben. I consider myself very lucky in this regards, because I had a lot of holiday time accumulated and then the schedule over the holidays kicked in. I feel guilty about really looking forward to being back at work because I know it’s going to be hard on Katy, but it is how it is. I need to work. The bacon needs to be brought home.
We were talking about what our goals are for this year. I want to be productive at work, content with my family and buy a good, solid home for all of us. I want to stop being so anxious about everything. I want to get my bug phobia sorted out so we can have family outings in the summer.
I want to be happy.