Month: March 2010

Original link here: http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=230451057921

Attention Teenage Drug Dealers/Low Life & Oxygen Thieves

If you think you’ve saved enough benefit from your 4 children before your 20, this could be the answer to your prayers.

A proper bastardised, chaved up Skippy mobile if ever there was. Enhance your street cred at the local drive thru burger joint or council estate shop front no end with this utterly tacky converted little Renault Clio. Not your Gran’s idea of a lift to town, granted, but a fantastic opportunity to increase 3 fold your class A drug selling ability. This is the car you need boys. The punters will flock to the window for your home grown skunk and other illegal substances. you just ain’t gonna look out of place in this little beauty! Now I’ve made sure the tax ran out last November, so there is a big pat on your scrawny little backs already.

Dig out yer favourite unwashed “Umbro” hoodie and come cast your shifty little eyes on this. Ideal for the “Street Pharmacist” and other suitably attired twats. Your gonna need a baseball cap with this beauty, ideally one that comes with no fitting instructions. Heaven forbid you should put it on the right way. What better way to compliment your stolen Nike Air Max trainers than to be seen dangling a foot outta this pocket rocket.

Worried about the Babylon spotting ya, no need. Car comes fully equipped with proper blacked out gangster glass on the side windows. Hell, you could even fill the back up with yer ugly chav kids and knowone’d see ’em. doesn’t get much better boys. Ah, but it does. It does. To show your complete and utter lack of taste and knowledge of the motor car you’ll also find the ridiculous rock hard lowered suspension to your taste as well. Why not get a step closer to Gran’s inheritance by offering her a lift in ya new “wheels” then taking her down the post Office flat out over the speed humps round your estate and hopefully knocking the spine out of her? Might need 2 laps but god damn them single teenage mums smoking Marlboro Lights outside the chippy will be impressed fella’s. You know that they like a ride like this. Turn up the Alpine Head Unit, stick in your favourite and incomprehensible “Drum & Bass” Cd and the throbbing out the 6×9 parcel shelf will have them pregnant in no time.

To complete the proper drug dealer look, a tasteless stripe has been fitted from the front to the rear. Finished in “Air Max” white it really doesn’t complement the car in any shape or form. Rather like you and your Brethren spitting on the floor constantly. Completely needless but you think it makes a statement about you. You’ll also enjoy the totally pointless but ridiculously noisy after market air filter. About as helpful as a fart in an astronaut suit, but hell, you didn’t get where you are today by being helpful, did you?
I’m quite sad to see the thing go really. There is nothing more pleasurable to me at 41 than to drive round in this bit of shit and look a complete prick. I’d much rather hand the opportunity to you work shy crack head council tenants any day. This little set of wheels is gonna let the other hoodies know you’ve made it. cocaine and skunk selling is never gonna get any easier for the lucky buyer of this car. I might have a deal on a couple of gram’s of smack or coke, but ideally I’d need to get a serious drug habit before hand. Perhaps someone could help? You can pay in cash or wraps, I’m easy really. Bring along your mums credit card or one that your mate has cloned down the petrol station. If it is going to be hard cash, please ensure it is discretely hidden in a used Tesco carrier bag, and you have folded one £20 note around 4 others. Makes counting so much easier.

For any female buyer I’m offering a free Tatoo of something utterly meaninless to go in the middle of your lower back. If you haven’t already got your “Tramp Stamp” that is.

If your an under-age drink driver, or under-age driver for that matter, this little beauty really isn’t going to attract the attention of the local constabulary at all. you’ll drift pass any patrol car effortlessly. Make sure there is at least 6 of you in the car though, Splif in hand. If your driving, have another swig from your 2 litre plastic “LIDL” brand cider as you nonchalantly flip the bird to the passing police patrol. Head off for the nearest estate for some tyre screeching fun. They ain’t never gonna take you alive in this.

The car does like a good rev in the morning at any unsocial hour. Neighbours will love it and feel proud to live in the same road. don’t forget to rev the pants off of it at all junctions and roundabouts as well. This really will increase the length of your manhood no end. your virginity is gonna be a thing of the past when the babes see you in this “fanny magnet”. You can almost bet your last eighth of puff your gonna get laid. Hell, might even get a few STD’s as well. your gonna get a proper bird with this motor.

For the disqualified driver I’ll even offer to recover it from outside the local Magistrates or police station. What better way to impress the local Judicial system in one final act of defiance before collecting your ASBO?

Don’t let the frivolous matter of actually holding a current, valid drivers licence and insurance put you off this bargain. A visit to your local crack house should procure some documentation from as little as fifty quid.

Nuff said, innit.

Some of the questions posted on the auction:

Q: Aiight bredrin duz it cum wi da blingin turbo whistler fingy in da rudeboi xhaust?
A: na man, me got it confiskated by da 5-0 4 been diss

Q: I say old chap, your charabanc looks absolutely spiffing. Does one know if one would possibly become attractive to those young fillies out there if one was to purchase it? I also think this would make an excellent weekend replacement for the roller, it would be much less conspicuous when I go out hunting skeezers whilst puffing on a woolah.
A: u is pizzin in da wind bro. me fink u like men..come out bro u safe.

Q: wikked how spacious is the boot? would, for example, the low life shitbag who has started to undercut me on my turf fit in the boot? is it soundproof?
A: u is gettin boddy in boot bro but gonna need to dismember it ’cause me base box inda way..Me mate Alsta do it but he say it messy nd he wanna drink..

Q: I say chap, that is my daughters car It was stolen from outside Marks and Spencers a week past Thursday. Felicity and I would be very happy if you would return our property to us (undamaged and with a full tank of fuel). If you will not comply then I shall have to inform the authorities. Kind regards Sebastian Howard.
A: woooaay dude!! Possesion is 9 tenths da law. it is my possesion now. Me own em wheels. felicity can work somin out wid me do. Is she fit? anywayz in wernt M & S me found it round da back NEXT but ‘ad 2 cut da clamp of. She left some crap CD’s init. Init

Q: esy bra if i buys this ride will i get all the julies after me init?
A: de julies be trippin up ya manor wiv dis set o wheels bro. Use is gonna get some serios hunnies

Q: I say old chap, could I borrow your car for a few weeks. I have something going on with a Scottish chap called Brown and I think your motorcar will help enormously with my “street cred”. I will return it after May 6th. I’m sure I can sort out a fiscal package for your inconvenience at that time. Many thanks. Dave. PS Could you throw in a couple of “Julies” for the boys in the office.
A: My Dear Mr Cameron. Anything to assist getting that one eye’d Scotish monkey out of government gets my vote! By all means borrow it. Use it as your election logo. you’ll win all the hoodies over!!

Q: I say old chap, one is looking for a nice auto for ones Mother in Law. Do you think this might suit the old gal? would there be a danger of her getting beaten senseless if she were to, by pure accident, pull into McDonalds car park, dont you know? If so, this could be the car for me…
A: she not get beaten. she get boned. bring da girl over. me is likein a MILF. Booyakasha!!!