Month: January 2011

A shy guy goes into a bar, sees a beautiful woman, and says, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” She responds by yelling, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Embarrassed, he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. I’m a psych student studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean, $200?”

One night, on a camping trip, Sherlock Holmes wakes up Watson and says, “Look at the stars. What do you deduce?” Watson thinks for a minute and says, “Well, I see millions of stars, many of which resemble our sun, which most likely have their own planets, which most likely have life-forms like us, so I deduce that there is life on other planets.” And Sherlock says, “No, you idiot, someone’s stolen our tent.”

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing-eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and shouts, “What are you doing?!” The blind man replies, “Just looking around.”

Three old gals are sitting on a park bench, and a flasher comes up and flashes them. Two of the gals have a stroke. But the third couldn’t reach that far.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotopus.

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the hood of their car. The one nun says to the other, “Quick! Show him your cross!” So the other nun leans out the window and shouts, “Get off our f–ing car!”

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him he has only a day to live. He goes home to tell his wife, who asks what he wants to do with his final hours. Of course he wants to spend them having sex. They have great sex all night long. Finally, at about 2:00 A.M., his wife says she’s tired and wants to go to sleep.

He says, “Oh, come on, can’t we just do it one more time?”

And she says, “Look, I’ve got to get up in the morning — you don’t!”