Month: February 2014

It’s completely, absurdly, perfectly random and I must have one.

Jeff Dunham: You’re afraid of offending people?
Achmed: Yeah.
Jeff Dunham: You’re a terrorist. You kill people.
Achmed: That’s different. Killing people is easy; being politically correct is a pain in the ass.

Achmed: Two Jews walk in a bar…
Jeff Dunham: No. No.
Achmed: What?
Jeff Dunham: No.
Achmed: What? You don’t let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard!

Jeff Dunham: So you’re Muslim?
Achmed: I don’t think so.
Jeff Dunham: You don’t think you’re Muslim?
Achmed: No.
Jeff Dunham: Why not?
Achmed: Look at my ass. It says: “Made in China”.

Jeff Dunham: Look, if you’ve been in my suitcase all this time, how have you been getting through security at the airports?
Achmed: Oh, that’s easy. They open the case, and I go “Hello! I am Lindsay Lohan!”

Achmed: I’m kidding. I would not kill the Jews. No. I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death! I did the same thing with 2 Catholic priests, but I tossed in a small boy! Yes! Yes! And the winner had to fight Michael Jackson!
Jeff Dunham: You can’t tell jokes like that!
Achmed: Why not? I’m killing… so to speak!
Jeff Dunham: referring to the “suicide bomber training camp”: Is that a nice facility?
Achmed: It used to be!
Jeff Dunham: What happened? Achmed: New guy! The idiot tried to practice!
Jeff Dunham: What did you guys learn from that?
Achmed: LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION!

Jeff Dunham: So Achmed, what exactly happened to you?
Achmed: Well, I was getting gasoline and I answered my cell phone. Can you here me now? [Imitates explosion] At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes.
Jeff Dunham: That’s too bad.
Achmed: It’s okay, I took that Verizon bastard with me.
Jeff Dunham: So um, what’s it like to die? Do you see a white light?
Achmed: If you’re dumb enough to watch the explosion, yes.
Jeff Dunham: No, I mean some people say they see a white light. What did you see?
Achmed: I saw flying car parts.
Jeff Dunham: What as the last thing that went though your mind?
Achmed: My ass. Walter told me to tell that joke.
Jeff Dunham: So you never saw a white light?
Achmed: No, but I saw a blue Prius!

Achmed: [making the P sound in “posse” repeatedly] How am I doing that with no lips?
[the audience laughs and applauds]
Achmed: That’s what she said.[cackles]
Jeff Dunham: I can’t believe you did that.
Achmed: That’s what SHE said!
Jeff Dunham: Will you stop this?
Achmed: [higher pitch] THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
Jeff Dunham: I don’t like this.
Achmed: [VERY high pitch] THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
Jeff Dunham: How long is this?
Achmed: [screeching] THATSWHATSHESAID!
[the audience applauds again; long pause as Jeff and Achmed stare at each other]
Achmed: Think about it…
Jeff Dunham: So, you were talking to Walter earlier.
Achmed: [suddenly angry] Damn it!