Day: August 30, 2015

Don’t get me wrong: Jesus? Great guy, classy. But a terrible executive. I would never tolerate a traitor within my organization.

Jesus multiplied the loaves and fishes and GAVE THEM AWAY? Terrible business strategy.

If I was Jesus, I would have made amazing deals with those money-changers in the temple. That idiot wasted a HUUUUUGE opportunity.

And Moses went to Pharaoh and said to him, “Let my people go!” and Pharaoh did because Moses knew how to negotiate.

Jesus turned water into wine. The good stuff. Not that garbage they serve at some places.

Noah. A great guy, love him! He drank, sure, I mean a great boat guy. Amazing stuff. Animals, they loved him. Animals love me!

Jesus gets himself crucified, and we’re to call him Savior! He’s a loser; couldn’t save himself! I like guys that weren’t crucified.

I’m not saying Jesus wasn’t born in Bethlehem. I’m just saying show me the birth certificate.

And Mary? No disrespect but she’s pregnant, a teenager, unmarried. I mean she’s basically a disaster.

God took six days to create the universe and then needed a day of rest? Lazy and inefficient. Would have taken me three days. Tops.

And Jesus said to them, “It is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven, but I am REALLY, REALLY rich.

Marriage is between and man and woman. I believe it so much I got married three times. That’s how strongly I believe in it.

Blessed are the rich in spirit. The poor are a bunch of losers and chumps

Earlier this week, Donald Trump awkwardly dodged a series of questions about the bible an interview on Bloomberg’s “With All Due Respect.” Most notably, he refused to name his favorite bible verse — not even one — because that was “too personal.” Trump’s elusive answers prompted people to begin writing fake bible verses in “Trump Speak,” and thus, the #TrumpBible hashtag was born.