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“I might join you later” – I’m not leaving the house today unless it’s on fire.
“Excuse me, sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – You have 3 seconds to move your bag before I end you.
“Not to worry” – I will never forget this.
Saying sorry as a way of introducing yourself.
“Bit wet out there” – You’re going to need a snorkel because it’s absolutely pissing it down.
Ending an email with “Thanks” as a warning that you’re perilously close to losing your temper.
“Right then, I suppose I really should start thinking about possibly making a move” – Bye.
“It’s fine” – It really could not possibly get any worse, but no doubt it will do.
“Perfect” – Well, that’s ruined then.
“A bit of a pickle” – A catastrophically bad situation with potentially fatal consequences.
“Hot too bad, actually” – I’m probably the happiest I’ve ever been.
“Honestly, it doesn’t matter” – Nothing has ever mattered more than this.
“You’ve caught the sun” – You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano.
“That’s certainly one way of looking at it” – That’s certainly the wrong way of looking at it.
Saying “I have the 5p if it helps?” and never being quite sure if it helps.
“If you say so” – I’m afraid that what you’re saying is the height of idiocy.
“With all due respect” – You have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.
Saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible to people that don’t say thank you buy using it as a form of punishing them.
“I beg your pardon” – 1. I didn’t hear you. 2. I apologize. 3. What you’re saying is making me absolutely livid.
“It could be worse” – It couldn’t possibly be any worse.
“Each to their own” – You’re wrong, but never mind.
“Pop round anytime” – Stay away from my house.
“I’m just popping out for lunch, does anyone want anything?” – I’m getting my own lunch now, please remain silent.
Saying “I might get some cash out actually”, despite approaching the cash machine and being 100% of getting cash.
“No, no, honestly, my fault” – It was exceedingly tour fault and we both know it.
“No yeah that’s very interesting” – You’re boring me to death.
“Just whenever you get a minute” – NOW!
“No harm done” – You have caused complete and utter chaos.
“I’m sure it’ll be fine” – I fully expect the situation to deteriorate rapidly.
“Sorry, I think you might have dropped something” – You have definitively dropped that specific item.