Category: uncategorized
Helllllooooooo, infidel
Jeff Dunham: You’re afraid of offending people?
Achmed: Yeah.
Jeff Dunham: You’re a terrorist. You kill people.
Achmed: That’s different. Killing people is easy; being politically correct is a pain in the ass.
Achmed: Two Jews walk in a bar…
Jeff Dunham: No. No.
Achmed: What?
Jeff Dunham: No.
Achmed: What? You don’t let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard!
Jeff Dunham: So you’re Muslim?
Achmed: I don’t think so.
Jeff Dunham: You don’t think you’re Muslim?
Achmed: No.
Jeff Dunham: Why not?
Achmed: Look at my ass. It says: “Made in China”.
Jeff Dunham: Look, if you’ve been in my suitcase all this time, how have you been getting through security at the airports?
Achmed: Oh, that’s easy. They open the case, and I go “Hello! I am Lindsay Lohan!”
Achmed: I’m kidding. I would not kill the Jews. No. I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death! I did the same thing with 2 Catholic priests, but I tossed in a small boy! Yes! Yes! And the winner had to fight Michael Jackson!
Jeff Dunham: You can’t tell jokes like that!
Achmed: Why not? I’m killing… so to speak!
Jeff Dunham: referring to the “suicide bomber training camp”: Is that a nice facility?
Achmed: It used to be!
Jeff Dunham: What happened? Achmed: New guy! The idiot tried to practice!
Jeff Dunham: What did you guys learn from that?
Achmed: LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION!
Jeff Dunham: So Achmed, what exactly happened to you?
Achmed: Well, I was getting gasoline and I answered my cell phone. Can you here me now? [Imitates explosion] At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes.
Jeff Dunham: That’s too bad.
Achmed: It’s okay, I took that Verizon bastard with me.
Jeff Dunham: So um, what’s it like to die? Do you see a white light?
Achmed: If you’re dumb enough to watch the explosion, yes.
Jeff Dunham: No, I mean some people say they see a white light. What did you see?
Achmed: I saw flying car parts.
Jeff Dunham: What as the last thing that went though your mind?
Achmed: My ass. Walter told me to tell that joke.
Jeff Dunham: So you never saw a white light?
Achmed: No, but I saw a blue Prius!
Achmed: [making the P sound in “posse” repeatedly] How am I doing that with no lips?
[the audience laughs and applauds]
Achmed: That’s what she said.[cackles]
Jeff Dunham: I can’t believe you did that.
Achmed: That’s what SHE said!
Jeff Dunham: Will you stop this?
Achmed: [higher pitch] THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
Jeff Dunham: I don’t like this.
Achmed: [VERY high pitch] THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
Jeff Dunham: How long is this?
Achmed: [screeching] THATSWHATSHESAID!
[the audience applauds again; long pause as Jeff and Achmed stare at each other]
Achmed: Think about it…
Jeff Dunham: So, you were talking to Walter earlier.
Achmed: [suddenly angry] Damn it!
Bit crowded in bed
If the little one says roll over, I’m falling out of bed.
My contribution to the Olympic protests
[Recipe] Red Velvet cookies with cream cheese filling
Ingredients
Cookies:
1 box red velvet cake mix
2 eggs
1/3 cup oil
1 1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
1/2 cup powdered sugar
Cream Cheese Filling:
4 oz. cream cheese, softened
1/4 cup butter, softened
1 tsp. vanilla extract
3-4 cup powdered sugar
Directions
1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees and line two cookie sheets with parchment paper.
2. In a large bowl, combine cake mix, eggs, oil and vanilla extract. Mix well until smooth.
3. Roll the dough into balls (about 1 1/2 inches). (Dough will be gooey)
4. Drop into powdered sugar and cover with the sugar, then place on the cookie sheet, 3 inches away from other dough balls.
5. Bake for 7-10 minutes. Watch for the cookies to puff up a bit and form cracks along the top, then take them out of the oven and let them rest on the cookies sheet for a couple of minutes.
6. Remove the cookies to a wire rack and let them cool completely.
7. Make the filling: Beat cream cheese and butter until smooth. Add vanilla and slowly add powdered sugar until you reach your desired consistency.
8. Pipe onto the bottom of half the cookies, sandwich with another cookie and then roll in coarse sugar to decorate.
quote of the day
They can make me come to a meeting, but they can’t make me listen.
The guru will see you now :D
Woot! I have successfully registered cote.guru as a domain, and also have richard@cote.guru as a mail address (that currently forwards to my gmail account. So, if there’s any member of the Cote family that wants an email account, let me know :)
Quote of the day
What’s that spot on my hand? Oh, it might be ink. Noooo. Oh, it might be blood. Noooo. Oh, it’s probably chocolate. Yeah. It’s chocolate.
Proper Katyism.
Technicolour dreamcoat
Wonder if his name is Joseph…
Happy (belated) 70th birthday, Colossus!
The Colossus computer that helped decipher German messages during the Second World War celebrates its 70th birthday on Wednesday, as The National Museum of Computing marks its place in IT history. The machine first sprang into life on 5 February 1944 when it was let loose on messages that had been sent by German units and encrypted using the Lorenz machine. The Colossus – designed by engineer called Tommy Flowers who worked for the telecoms division of the General Post Office, which later became BT – was able to crack these codes fast.
It had the ability to read 5,000 characters a second, far in advance of anything else available at that time, and this meant it could take just four hours for it to find the first key in a code, the most important part in any code-breaking. By the end of the war, it is estimated that Colossus had deciphered 63 million characters of German messages, helping shorten the war and save countless lives. Despite this, its existence was kept secret for 30 years after the war.
The machine certainly earned its name: it was huge. It measured 7ft high, 17ft wide and 11ft deep, weighed five tonnes and had 7km of internal wiring.