The beaver is a proud and noble animal
Notes from a bemused canuck
Dear applicant. Please, please, do not lie to me. I will find out you padded your resume with a few simple questions. Furthermore, saying that you have been a TA on a Java programming course and yet you are unable to answer some very basic questions will most certainly not improve my impression of you.
Slight embellishments, I can live with. Outright lies, you lose.
The DVLA assured me that they sent a letter to my GP last thursday. My GP tells me that they haven’t received anything. It’s been more than a month now, and I have the feeling that I’ll have to push back the course – again.
This is taking all the fun out of what started out as a great thing, and I am not amused.
UPDATE: The GP surgery just called me. Apparently the letter arrived last Friday. However, they have no record of the condition that the DVLA wants information on. This makes perfect sense as this is something I was diagnosed with in Canada, about 20 years ago. The practice manager is going to call the DVLA. If they want my Canadian records, I’m screwed because I had to cancel my health coverage when I moved to the UK 5 years ago so those records, if they’re still around, are probably archived in some lower level of administrative hell. If they want me to go for tests here, I might as well cancel my course because it’s going to be months before I can see anybody. This should be fun.
According to Alexa, these are the top 40 sites accessed in/from the UK. What’s interesting is that, aside from the usual suspects, there are two porn sites in there :) For some reason, this amuses me to no extent.
In case you were wondering, 1e100.net belongs to Google, and is used for some YouTube functions as well as Google proper.
I officially give up trying to understand american mentality. As far as I can see, it’s turning into a radical, fundamental, puritanical, hypocritical – and any other sort of -al you want to throw at it farce of a once great nation.
A Wisconsin district attorney has warned schools in his county that if they proceed with new state sex-education courses, teachers could face criminal charges for encouraging minors to have sex. He said that a new state law that requires students learn to use condoms and other contraceptives “promotes the sexualization – and sexual assault – of our children.”
“If a teacher instructs any student aged 16 or younger how to utilize contraceptives under circumstances where the teacher knows the child is engaging in sexual activity with another child – or even where the ‘natural and probable consequences’ of the teacher’s instruction is to cause that child to engage in sexual intercourse with a child – that teacher can be charged under this statute” of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. […] Forcing our schools to instruct children on how to utilize contraceptives encourages our children to engage in sexual behavior, whether as a victim or an offender,” he wrote. “It is akin to teaching children about alcohol use, then instructing them on how to make mixed alcoholic drinks.”
Way to go there, Cletus…
All pictures and more: http://flubu.com/various_pics/easter_2010/
I had a 5-day weekend, woohoo.
Noteworthy facts:
1. We got a brand new gas tank for the BBQ. I gave it a good once-over and, despite the fact that it was supposed to piss it down with rain all weekend, I managed to use it 4 times.
2. Home-made BBQ baby back ribs. Nothing else need be said.
3. Beastie had his first haircut. Katy did a bang-up job!
Before: 
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After: 
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Delta: 
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4. We fenced off the backyard and filled in the pond.
I figure we dropped about 500 quid on the garden this weekend. Between the fence panels, posts, post holders, concrete and the baker’s dozen bags of compost it took to fill up the pond, it’s been a costly but productive weekend. Now to be fair, that amount also includes a large planter that will be used for a Japanese maple tree out front and also includes a small family of owls, several planters of cooking herbs, two large teacup planters and several plants for the rockery. It also includes an archway with a gate, that is currently in back-order and will be delivered at the end of the month.
Once that’s done, the garden will be beastie-friendly and we’ll be able to break out the foam-rubber play mats.
I made BBQ ribs this weekend. This was the first time I’d been able to savour BBQ ribs in close to 10 years. It was a moment that was waaaay too long in the making, but damn! They was good!!
It’s a bit of a convoluted process, but the end result is so worth it if you can’t just to go a grill house and order them from there, as is the case for me. All in all, they took about 4 hours to get done.
This process was adapted from the Meathead’s guide to amazing ribs:
1) Rinse. Rinse the ribs in cool water to remove any bone bits from the butchering. Pat dry with paper towels.
2) Skin ‘n’ trim. If the butcher has not removed the membrane from the back side, do it yourself. Insert a butter knife under the membrane, then your fingers, work a section loose, grip it with a paper towel, and peel it off. Finally, trim the excess fat from both sides.
3) Rub. Coat the meat with a thin layer of vegetable oil because most of the flavourings in the rub are oil soluble, not water soluble. The oil should help the flavour get into the surface and for a better crust. A lot of seasoned barbecue cooks use a base of mustard, but I think oil works better. Sprinkle enough rub to coat all surfaces but not so much that the meat doesn’t show through. That is about 2 tablespoons per side depending on the size of the slab. Many of the herbs and spices in the rub are oil soluble, so the vegetable oil will help them penetrate a little better. Spread the rub on the meat and rub it in. Wash your hands. Wrap the meat in half the foil and let it sit in the fridge for at least 4 hours on a platter or pan to catch leaks. In addition to flavouring the meat, the salt in the rub pulls the juices to the surface and that will help form a crust during the cooking.
Meathead’s Memphis Dust Rub Recipe
Adapted from: http://www.amazingribs.com/recipes/rubs_pastes_marinades_and_brines/meatheads_magic_dust.html
1/4 cup firmly packed dark brown sugar
1/4 cup white sugar
2 tbsp paprika
1 tbsp kosher salt
1 tsp ground black pepper
1 tsp ground ginger powder
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp dried rosemary leaves, ground to a powder
4) Setup your cooker for indirect cooking with 2 zones. That means that one side is hot and the other is not. For my gas BBQ, that means only using the left-hand burner. Put a disposable aluminum pan with water on top of the hot burner. Moisture and combustion gasses in a propane grill combine to create a seductive, baconlike flavor in the meat.
5) Adjust the temp. Preheat your cooker to about 225F and try to keep it there throughout the cook. Take your time getting the temp right. Cooking at 225F will allow the meat to roast low and slow, liquefying the collagen in connective tissues and melting fats without getting the proteins knotted in a bunch. It’s a magic temp that creates silky texture, adds moisture, and keeps the meat tender. If you can’t hit 225F, get as close as you can. Don’t go under 200F and try not to go over 250F. On my BBQ, this is about 2/3 down on the dial. A tip to see if the temp is too high is to check the water in the water pan. If there are bubbles, you’re probably too high.
6) Smoke. For charcoal or gas cookers, add 4 ounces of wood at this time. I put some apple wood chips that had been soaked for 30 minutes and then drained in a cast-iron smoke box that I put right on top of the flame. Resist the temptation to add more wood. Nothing will ruin a meal faster and waste money better than oversmoked meat. You can always add more the next time you cook, but you cannot take it away if you oversmoke.
7) Relax. Put the slabs in the BBQ on the cooler side of the grill, meaty side up on a grill pan with a wire tray. Close the lid and go drink a beer and read a book.
8) More smoke. When the smoke disappears after 20-30 minutes, add another 2 ounces of wood. After the first hour, stop adding wood. Adding wood at the beginning of the cook allows better penetration before the meat surface seals itself. If you have more than one slab on, halfway through the cook you will need to move the ribs closest to the fire away from the heat, and the slabs far from the flame in closer. Leave the meat side up. There is no need to flip the slabs. Otherwise, keep your lid on. Opening the lid just upsets the delicate balance of heat, moisture, and oxygen inside your cooker. It can also significantly lengthen the cooking time. No peeking. If you’re lookin’, you ain’t cookin’.
Check the water level every 45 minutes or so and top off with boiling water from the kettle if required.
9) The bounce test. After allow 5-6 hours for St. Louis Cut ribs or 3-4 hours for baby back ribs. The exact time will depend on how thick the slabs are and how steady you have kept the temp. If you use rib holders so they are crammed close to each other, add another hour. Check to see if they are ready. I like the bounce test. Pick up the slab with tongs and bounce them. If the surface cracks and it bends a lot, it is ready.
10) Sauce. Now paint both sides with your favourite home made barbecue sauce. Move the slab directly over the hottest part of the grill in order to caramelise and crisp the sauce. On a gas grill, remove the water pan and crank up all the burners. Sizzle the sauce on one side and then the other. One coat of a thick sauce should be enough, but if you need two, go ahead, but no more! Don’t hide all the fabulous flavors under too much sauce. If you think you’ll want more sauce, put some in a bowl on the table. I left the ribs to grill in direct heat for about 20 minutes, flipping regularly so they didn’t burn.
Home-made BBQ Sauce
1 bottle of reggae reggae love apple tomato ketchup
1/3 tin of Tate & Lyle black treacle (aka molasses)
a splash of balsamic vinegar
Mix everything and simmer until well blended. Adjust taste if too sharp or sweet.
Additional reading:
The Zen of Wood
http://www.amazingribs.com/tips_and_technique/zen_of_wood.html
Cinderella is like dis well famous story from when we was little and dat, so here’s our boi Matt Ed’s versh of this classic. Brap.
NANANAAIIIIIII!!! Innit!
This made me piss myself when I head it on the radio. A Radio1 DJ re-wrote Cinderella using the glossary of the Ndubz book.
Here’s what a critic had to say about the latest ndubz album:
Essentially it’s all about words you don’t understand, sung and rapped in accents you don’t understand, by youths you don’t understand, wearing clothes you don’t understand, made for other youths you don’t understand.
Original link here: http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=230451057921
Attention Teenage Drug Dealers/Low Life & Oxygen Thieves
If you think you’ve saved enough benefit from your 4 children before your 20, this could be the answer to your prayers.
A proper bastardised, chaved up Skippy mobile if ever there was. Enhance your street cred at the local drive thru burger joint or council estate shop front no end with this utterly tacky converted little Renault Clio. Not your Gran’s idea of a lift to town, granted, but a fantastic opportunity to increase 3 fold your class A drug selling ability. This is the car you need boys. The punters will flock to the window for your home grown skunk and other illegal substances. you just ain’t gonna look out of place in this little beauty! Now I’ve made sure the tax ran out last November, so there is a big pat on your scrawny little backs already.
Dig out yer favourite unwashed “Umbro” hoodie and come cast your shifty little eyes on this. Ideal for the “Street Pharmacist” and other suitably attired twats. Your gonna need a baseball cap with this beauty, ideally one that comes with no fitting instructions. Heaven forbid you should put it on the right way. What better way to compliment your stolen Nike Air Max trainers than to be seen dangling a foot outta this pocket rocket.
Worried about the Babylon spotting ya, no need. Car comes fully equipped with proper blacked out gangster glass on the side windows. Hell, you could even fill the back up with yer ugly chav kids and knowone’d see ’em. doesn’t get much better boys. Ah, but it does. It does. To show your complete and utter lack of taste and knowledge of the motor car you’ll also find the ridiculous rock hard lowered suspension to your taste as well. Why not get a step closer to Gran’s inheritance by offering her a lift in ya new “wheels” then taking her down the post Office flat out over the speed humps round your estate and hopefully knocking the spine out of her? Might need 2 laps but god damn them single teenage mums smoking Marlboro Lights outside the chippy will be impressed fella’s. You know that they like a ride like this. Turn up the Alpine Head Unit, stick in your favourite and incomprehensible “Drum & Bass” Cd and the throbbing out the 6×9 parcel shelf will have them pregnant in no time.
To complete the proper drug dealer look, a tasteless stripe has been fitted from the front to the rear. Finished in “Air Max” white it really doesn’t complement the car in any shape or form. Rather like you and your Brethren spitting on the floor constantly. Completely needless but you think it makes a statement about you. You’ll also enjoy the totally pointless but ridiculously noisy after market air filter. About as helpful as a fart in an astronaut suit, but hell, you didn’t get where you are today by being helpful, did you?
I’m quite sad to see the thing go really. There is nothing more pleasurable to me at 41 than to drive round in this bit of shit and look a complete prick. I’d much rather hand the opportunity to you work shy crack head council tenants any day. This little set of wheels is gonna let the other hoodies know you’ve made it. cocaine and skunk selling is never gonna get any easier for the lucky buyer of this car. I might have a deal on a couple of gram’s of smack or coke, but ideally I’d need to get a serious drug habit before hand. Perhaps someone could help? You can pay in cash or wraps, I’m easy really. Bring along your mums credit card or one that your mate has cloned down the petrol station. If it is going to be hard cash, please ensure it is discretely hidden in a used Tesco carrier bag, and you have folded one £20 note around 4 others. Makes counting so much easier.
For any female buyer I’m offering a free Tatoo of something utterly meaninless to go in the middle of your lower back. If you haven’t already got your “Tramp Stamp” that is.
If your an under-age drink driver, or under-age driver for that matter, this little beauty really isn’t going to attract the attention of the local constabulary at all. you’ll drift pass any patrol car effortlessly. Make sure there is at least 6 of you in the car though, Splif in hand. If your driving, have another swig from your 2 litre plastic “LIDL” brand cider as you nonchalantly flip the bird to the passing police patrol. Head off for the nearest estate for some tyre screeching fun. They ain’t never gonna take you alive in this.
The car does like a good rev in the morning at any unsocial hour. Neighbours will love it and feel proud to live in the same road. don’t forget to rev the pants off of it at all junctions and roundabouts as well. This really will increase the length of your manhood no end. your virginity is gonna be a thing of the past when the babes see you in this “fanny magnet”. You can almost bet your last eighth of puff your gonna get laid. Hell, might even get a few STD’s as well. your gonna get a proper bird with this motor.
For the disqualified driver I’ll even offer to recover it from outside the local Magistrates or police station. What better way to impress the local Judicial system in one final act of defiance before collecting your ASBO?
Don’t let the frivolous matter of actually holding a current, valid drivers licence and insurance put you off this bargain. A visit to your local crack house should procure some documentation from as little as fifty quid.
Nuff said, innit.
Some of the questions posted on the auction:
Q: Aiight bredrin duz it cum wi da blingin turbo whistler fingy in da rudeboi xhaust?
A: na man, me got it confiskated by da 5-0 4 been diss
Q: I say old chap, your charabanc looks absolutely spiffing. Does one know if one would possibly become attractive to those young fillies out there if one was to purchase it? I also think this would make an excellent weekend replacement for the roller, it would be much less conspicuous when I go out hunting skeezers whilst puffing on a woolah.
A: u is pizzin in da wind bro. me fink u like men..come out bro u safe.
Q: wikked how spacious is the boot? would, for example, the low life shitbag who has started to undercut me on my turf fit in the boot? is it soundproof?
A: u is gettin boddy in boot bro but gonna need to dismember it ’cause me base box inda way..Me mate Alsta do it but he say it messy nd he wanna drink..
Q: I say chap, that is my daughters car It was stolen from outside Marks and Spencers a week past Thursday. Felicity and I would be very happy if you would return our property to us (undamaged and with a full tank of fuel). If you will not comply then I shall have to inform the authorities. Kind regards Sebastian Howard.
A: woooaay dude!! Possesion is 9 tenths da law. it is my possesion now. Me own em wheels. felicity can work somin out wid me do. Is she fit? anywayz in wernt M & S me found it round da back NEXT but ‘ad 2 cut da clamp of. She left some crap CD’s init. Init
Q: esy bra if i buys this ride will i get all the julies after me init?
A: de julies be trippin up ya manor wiv dis set o wheels bro. Use is gonna get some serios hunnies
Q: I say old chap, could I borrow your car for a few weeks. I have something going on with a Scottish chap called Brown and I think your motorcar will help enormously with my “street cred”. I will return it after May 6th. I’m sure I can sort out a fiscal package for your inconvenience at that time. Many thanks. Dave. PS Could you throw in a couple of “Julies” for the boys in the office.
A: My Dear Mr Cameron. Anything to assist getting that one eye’d Scotish monkey out of government gets my vote! By all means borrow it. Use it as your election logo. you’ll win all the hoodies over!!
Q: I say old chap, one is looking for a nice auto for ones Mother in Law. Do you think this might suit the old gal? would there be a danger of her getting beaten senseless if she were to, by pure accident, pull into McDonalds car park, dont you know? If so, this could be the car for me…
A: she not get beaten. she get boned. bring da girl over. me is likein a MILF. Booyakasha!!!
The shininess that is the HTC Desire is finally available in the UK. I’ve been lusting for a new phone for ages and it could be mine for the measly sum of £130 (oh, and £15/month for a 2 year contract, but that’s details). Still, I’ll have to pass on it, dagnabbit. Between the costs of the motorcycle courses and the promise I’ve made myself †, I need to pinch my pennies, especially with the upcoming changes in our family income.
But still, SHINY!!!
† If I can pass all the tests – especially the eyesight tests that are giving me anxiety attacks – and get a full license, I’m buying myself a motorcycle. Even if I need to put it on my Visa.
The beastie scratched his crotch while standing upright for the first time today. A milestone for any man! *Sniff*, I’m so proud!