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The beaver is a proud and noble animal

The beaver is a proud and noble animal

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So you want reading material?

Posted on February 26, 2004 By admin

A friend of mine recently asked me to recommend some reading material to her. Since this isn't the first time it happens, I figured I might as well write a little entry with my favourite reading material. Each book will have a description under the cut. Most are taken from amazon, with my comments added here and there. Enjoy, and tell me if you like them.

Offbeat comedy and zaniness

Terry Pratchett – Discworld novels
There are more than 25 books in Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. The series takes place on the flat world of the Disc which is carried on the backs of four elephants standing on the great Turtle, A'tuin, as she swims through space. On the Disc mariners who attempt to sail over the horizon, in fact, sail over the edge. The Disc is home to magic and many magical creatures and beings abound, gods, dwarfs, trolls, vampires, zombies, werewolves, wizards, witches and more. Pratchett has an unmatched skill to describe an ordinary situation is a completely original and offbeat way. I believe that what makes the books so enjoyable to read are the secondary characters that pop up once in a while.

Terry Pratchett's Discworld books can be grouped into categories depending on who the primary characters are. I tend to think of the categories as the Wizards of the Unseen University, the Witches of Lancre, Death, and the City Watch. Most of the Discworld books fall into one of these categories. Click here to view a suggested reading order for the Discworld novels.

The Discworld books are jewels of humorous fantasy. The most enjoyable Discworld books involve the City Watch, Guards, Guards, Men at Arms, Feet of Clay, Jingo, The Fifth Elephant and The Night Watch. The Death series are also good for many a laugh, with Mort, Reaper Man, The Hogfather, Soul Music, and Thief of Time.

Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett – Good omens
Pratchett and Gaiman may seem an unlikely combination, but the topic (Armageddon) of this fast-paced novel is old hat to both. Pratchett's wackiness collaborates with Gaiman's morbid humor; the result is a humanist delight to be savored and reread again and again. You see, there was a bit of a mix up when the Antichrist was born, due in part to the machinations of Crowley, who did not so much fall as saunter downwards, and in part to the mysterious ways as manifested in the form of a part-time rare book dealer, an angel named Aziraphale. Like top agents everywhere, they've long had more in common with each other than the sides they represent, or the conflict they are nominally engaged in. The only person who knows how it will all end is Agnes Nutter, a witch whose prophecies all come true, if one can only manage to decipher them. The minor characters along the way (Famine makes an appearance as diet crazes, no-calorie food and anorexia epidemics) are as much fun as the story as a whole, which adds up to one of those rare books which is enormous fun to read the first time, and the second time, and the third time

I'd recommend all of Christopher Moore's books, but these two are a must:

Christopher Moore – The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove
Reading a Christopher Moore novel is a little like eating a potato chip–it's hard to stop at just one. And you don't have to look beyond the titles to understand the allure; who could pass up a book called Practical Demonkeeping or Island of the Sequined Love Nun? Each of Moore's tales skewers a particular literary genre. In Coyote Blue he nailed New Age fascination with Native American religion; in Blood-Sucking Fiends: A Love Story he put a new twist on the classic vampire tale. The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove is a companion piece to his first novel, the hilariously twisted horror story Practical Demonkeeping, and readers of that book will recognize the setting, Pine Cove, California. In addition, Moore includes plenty of his patented weird sex, occasional gross-out death, several off-kilter but nonetheless affecting love stories, and some fabulous secondary characters.

In a nutshell, the plot revolves around a gigantic prehistoric lizard whose slumber deep beneath the ocean surface is interrupted by a radioactive leak from a nearby power plant. At the same time, a woman in Pine Cove hangs herself; the local psychiatrist (who has been prescribing antidepressants to everyone in town with gay abandon) decides the suicide was her fault and yanks everyone's medication; and an elderly black blues singer named Catfish Jefferson arrives to perform at the Head of the Slug saloon. Into this already strange brew mix one schizoid former B-movie starlet, a pot-head town constable, a bereaved local artist, a biologist tracking anomalous behavior in rats, a crooked sheriff, and a pharmacist with a bizarre sexual fixation on sea mammals, and you have a recipe for the kind of madness Moore does so well

Christopher Moore – Bloodsucking Fiends: A Love Story
Here's something different: a vampire novel that's light, funny, and not at all hackneyed. Between scenes of punks bowling frozen turkeys on the graveyard shift in a supermarket, or snapping turtles loose in a loft and gnawing on designer shoes, this novel has comic charm to spare. But it also packs an appealingly downbeat message about the consumer culture. Jody never asked to become a vampire. But when she wakes up under an alley dumpster with a badly burned arm, an aching neck, superhuman strength, and a distinctly Nosferatuan thirst, she realizes the decision has been made for her. Making the transition from the nine-to-five grind to an eternity of nocturnal prowlings is going to take some doing, however, and that's where C. Thomas Flood fits in. A would-be Kerouac from Incontinence, lndiana, Tommy (to his fiends) is biding his time night-clerking and frozen turkey bowling in a San Francisco Safeway. But all that changes when a beautiful, undead redhead walks through the door … and proceeds to rock Tommy's life — and afterlife — in ways he never imagined possible

Hard Sci-fi

Vernor Vinge – A fire upon the deep
In this Hugo-winning 1991 SF novel, Vernor Vinge gives us a wild new cosmology, a galaxy-spanning “Net of a Million Lies,” some finely imagined aliens, and much nail-biting suspense. Faster-than-light travel remains impossible near Earth, deep in the galaxy's Slow Zone–but physical laws relax in the surrounding Beyond. Outside that again is the Transcend, full of unguessable, godlike “Powers.” When human meddling wakes an old Power, the Blight, this spreads like a wildfire mind virus that turns whole civilizations into its unthinking tools. And the half-mythical Countermeasure, if it exists, is lost with two human children on primitive Tines World.

Serious complications follow. One paranoid alien alliance blames humanity for the Blight and launches a genocidal strike. Pham Nuwen, the man who knows about Countermeasure, escapes this ruin in the spacecraft Out of Band–heading for more violence and treachery, with 500 warships soon in hot pursuit. On his destination world, the fascinating Tines are intelligent only in combination: named “individuals” are small packs of the doglike aliens. Primitive doesn't mean stupid, and opposed Tine leaders wheedle the young castaways for information about guns and radios. Low-tech war looms, with elaborately nested betrayals and schemes to seize Out of Band if it ever arrives. The tension becomes extreme… while half the Beyond debates the issues on galactic Usenet.

Vinge's climax is suitably mindboggling. This epic combines the flash and dazzle of old-style space opera with modern, polished thoughtfulness. Pham Nuwen also appears in the nifty prequel set 30,000 years earlier, A Deepness in the Sky. Both novels are highly recommended, as this is some of the most original material I've read in years.

David Weber – The Honor Harrington series
David Weber's Honor Harrington series is up to its 10th novel, narrating the conflicts between the Royal Kingdom of Manticore Alliance against the People's Republic of Haven. Central to this series is Admiral Lady Honor Harrington. The series follows her career from lowly ensign, to captain, to admiral. Though sometimes slightly repetitive in its plot, the series is nonetheless excellent. This is space opera at a scale never before seen. Weber has room to expand subplots and secondary characters and bring to the reader a feeling of depth and completeness seldom seen in science fiction novels. Character development is one of the strengths of this series, with actors growing in stature from unimportant secondary characters to major players in the “Honorverse.” Politics, love, war, cynicism, celery and plenty of exploding spaceships.

Richard Morgan – Altered carbon
In the 25th century, it's difficult to die a final death. Humans are issued a cortical stack, implanted into their bodies, into which consciousness is “digitized” and from which-unless the stack is hopelessly damaged-their consciousness can be downloaded (“resleeved”) with its memory intact, into a new body. While the Vatican is trying to make resleeving (at least of Catholics) illegal, centuries-old aristocrat Laurens Bancroft brings Takeshi Kovacs (an Envoy, a specially trained soldier used to being resleeved and trained to soak up clues from new environments) to Earth, where Kovacs is resleeved into a cop's body to investigate Bancroft's first mysterious, stack-damaging death. To solve the case, Kovacs must destroy his former Envoy enemies; outwit Bancroft's seductive, wily wife; dabble in United Nations politics; trust an AI that projects itself in the form of Jimi Hendrix; and deal with his growing physical and emotional attachment to Kristin Ortega, the police lieutenant who used to love the body he's been given. Kovacs rockets from the seediest hellholes on Earth, through virtual reality torture, into several gory firefights, and on to some exotic sexual escapades. Morgan's 25th-century Earth is convincing, while the questions he poses about how much Self is tied to body chemistry and how the rich believe themselves above the law are especially timely.

Cyberpunk

Neal Stephenson – Cryptonomicon
Cryptonomicon zooms all over the world, careening conspiratorially back and forth between two time periods–World War II and the present. Our 1940s heroes are the brilliant mathematician Lawrence Waterhouse, cryptanalyst extraordinaire, and gung ho, morphine-addicted marine Bobby Shaftoe. They're part of Detachment 2702, an Allied group trying to break Axis communication codes while simultaneously preventing the enemy from figuring out that their codes have been broken. Their job boils down to layer upon layer of deception. Dr. Alan Turing is also a member of 2702, and he explains the unit's strange workings to Waterhouse. “When we want to sink a convoy, we send out an observation plane first…. Of course, to observe is not its real duty–we already know exactly where the convoy is. Its real duty is to be observed…. Then, when we come round and sink them, the Germans will not find it suspicious.”

All of this secrecy resonates in the present-day story line, in which the grandchildren of the WWII heroes–inimitable programming geek Randy Waterhouse and the lovely and powerful Amy Shaftoe–team up to help create an offshore data haven in Southeast Asia and maybe uncover some gold once destined for Nazi coffers. To top off the paranoiac tone of the book, the mysterious Enoch Root, key member of Detachment 2702 and the Societas Eruditorum, pops up with an unbreakable encryption scheme left over from WWII to befuddle the 1990s protagonists with conspiratorial ties. If you're a geek, you have to read this book.

Neal Stephenson – Snow Crash
From the opening line of his breakthrough cyberpunk novel Snow Crash, Neal Stephenson plunges the reader into a not-too-distant future. It is a world where the Mafia controls pizza delivery, the United States exists as a patchwork of corporate-franchise city-states, and the Internet–incarnate as the Metaverse–looks something like last year's hype would lead you to believe it should. Enter Hiro Protagonist–hacker, samurai swordsman, and pizza-delivery driver. When his best friend fries his brain on a new designer drug called Snow Crash and his beautiful, brainy ex-girlfriend asks for his help, what's a guy with a name like that to do? He rushes to the rescue. A breakneck-paced 21st-century novel, Snow Crash interweaves everything from Sumerian myth to visions of a postmodern civilization on the brink of collapse. Faster than the speed of television and a whole lot more fun, Snow Crash is the portrayal of a future that is bizarre enough to be plausible. From the moment I picked up this book and read the first few pages, I was hooked and read it almost in one sitting.

Dennis Danvers – Circuits of Heaven
The shape of the future is the Bin: an ideal world re-created in a computer. With the exception of a few religious fanatics and crazies, most of the people on Earth have left their bodies behind for eternal life within the machine. Existence outside of the electric utopia has become crude and primitive. Nemo is one of the holdouts, despising the virtual world ever since his parents abandoned him so they could join it. But when he visits them on his twenty-first birthday, he meets Justine and falls in love. Nemo must decide whether to join her in the computer or try to forget that she exists. His decision becomes more complicated when a fanatic group decides to use him to infect the computer with a virus that will supposedly shut off access between the two worlds.

Fluff reading

These are books that are fun to read, even if they're not at the height of the literary world. These are like candy, and most can be read in a weekend :)

Laurell K. Hamilton – The Anita Blake series
Laurell K. Hamilton's Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter series is now up to 11 books. It is set on an alternate Earth where magic works and vampires and werewolves are real. The series revolves around Blake, a tough-as-nails yet sexy zombie-raiser and vampire executioner. Throughout the series, she becomes more deeply enmeshed in cruel plots and counterplots, her tangled personal life only becomes more demanding, more wrenching, and more erotically fraught. Readers should start with the first book and read them in order of publication, as subsequent books usually start where previous ones end – even if some backfilling is included in each book.

Laurie R. King – The Beekeeper's Apprentice
Sherlock Holmes takes on a young, female apprentice in this delightful and well-wrought addition to the master detective's casework. In the early years of WW I, 15-year-old American Mary Russell encounters Holmes, retired in Sussex Downs where Conan Doyle left him raising bees. Mary, an orphan rebelling against her guardian aunt's strictures, impresses the sleuth with her intelligence and acumen. Holmes initiates her into the mysteries of detection, allowing her to participate in a few cases when she comes home from her studies at Oxford. The collaboration is ignited by the kidnapping in Wales of Jessica Simpson, daughter of an American senator. The sleuthing duo find signs of the hand of a master criminal, and after Russell rescues the child, attempts are made on their lives (and on Watson's), with evidence piling up that the master criminal is out to get Holmes and all he holds dear. King ( A Grave Talent ) has created a fitting partner for the Great Detective: a quirky, intelligent woman who can hold her own with a man renowned for his contempt for other people's thought processes. There are 6 books in the series.

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Today's troubling link

Posted on February 26, 2004 By admin

The Gallery of regrettable food, savory horrors from the past:
http://www.lileks.com/institute/gallery/index.html

Also, Stagworld, a look at creepy men's mags from the 50s and 60s:
http://www.lileks.com/institute/stagworld/index.html

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Ich bin krank

Posted on February 25, 2004 By admin 26 Comments on Ich bin krank

In the flu roulette, my number just came up. Urgh. I feel like shit. Feverish, achy, light-headed, I don't know why I came into work today. I spent the evening on my couch last night, huddled under a blanket, shivering away. Of course, that was followed by my ever-so-popular fever dreams. Dear lord, my imagination is WHACKED! Imagine dreaming about building the perfect flu virus out of boolean logic and metal parts. Maybe I shouldn't have watched junkyard wars before going to bed…

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Most interesting link of the day

Posted on February 24, 2004 By admin

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Christian-singles-BDSM-personals/

Their description: kinky christian singles can post their personal ads here… ads from femdom or maledom or switch folks are welcome alike. This list is for single ADULTS with Christian background to post their personal ads and to fellowship. Stories, questions, discussion, prayer requests can also be posted.

Ok people, what are yours?

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Holy Christ!

Posted on February 24, 2004 By admin

My website busted our office monthly allocated bandwidth! It's up to 7.5GB of montly transfers! Yowza! Who knew playfur would ever be that popular. The last time I checked, I was up to more than 46,000 unique site visits. Sheeeet.

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Botox for boobies

Posted on February 23, 2004 By admin

http://www.globeandmail.com/servlet/ArticleNews/TPStory/LAC/20040223/BOTOX23/TPHealth/

Amusing quotes from the article:

“[…] Some of the doctors trying out the new technique are reluctant to promote Botox as a treatment for sagging breasts. “I think the best part of the procedure is the posture improvement,” said [a doctor]”

“The injections also tend to make the nipples semi-erect. Dr. Smith believes that Botox is blocking the action of neurotransmitters, or chemical messengers, which would normally retract the nipples.”

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Death by spitting

Posted on February 23, 2004 By admin 3 Comments on Death by spitting

I had to take time out of my busy day to nominate this for a darwin award:

A student of Carleton University, in Ottawa, was participating in a long-distance spitting contest with some friends when he tragically lost his life. While taking a running start to gain momentum to beat his friends, he fell off an 11th story balcony.

Ameer Jinah, 20 years old, went over the balcony railing from his 11th story apartment when his running start caused him to follow his spit. The civil engineering student was celebrating his 20th birthday with a dozen friends when the incident occurred.

Ottawa police ruled the death accidental, though they cite that the students were drinking alcohol during the party.

It's tragic, but dear lord, what a stupid way to die.

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What I did on my weekend

Posted on February 23, 2004 By admin

Took a 3-day weekend this weekend. [info]strychnyn was going to Ottawa this weekend, so I mooched a lift. It'd been a while since I saw the folks, and I had to drop all my tax information to my mom (she does my taxes), so I decided to make a weekend of it. In general, the weekend was ok. I didn't get to goof off as much as I wanted to though, I'd brought some work with me that I had to go through. The good thing is that I have the SRS for the CHUM project I'm currently working on done for half the project, and it's almost ready for sign-off. Once that's done, we can start working. I can get back to what I do best, i.e. writing code.

I ate really well,as usual, but I didn't sleep well at all. Little worries creeping up on me, I guess. I woke up really early every morning, and the work didn't help keep me awake. Business writing is DULL. Anyway, it's done now, woohoo.

I spent part of the weekend online, in off and on spurts. You gotta hate dial-up after you've been spoiled by broadband. Anyway, I chatted with some friends here and there, and had a bit of a spat with [info]strychnyn. It's not intentional, but I tend to unconsciously push her buttons, without meaning to :( There's not a lot I can say about it, except understand when it happens, I guess. Spoke at length with TwiInnocent, and a bit with other people here and there. [info]eniran is back in town, and i can't wait to see her. I really missed her while she was down under.

I'm on the bus going back to Montreal, and writing this offline on my laptop. I'll upload it later. For now, I'll just finish this off and listen to some music. Just as a little side note before I leave. A Peter Gabriel song just came on, Don't give up. Every time I hear that song, I can't help but think of Tina. Seriously, I still think about her sometimes, and wonder how she's doing. Who knows, maybe one of these days, I'll write and find out.

Toodles for now.

—————–

Post edit: Even though I normally sleep on the bus, I still have a feeling of time passing. This time, I went out like a light. After shutting down my laptop, I just fell asleep like a dead man, and woke up at Dorval. It was instantaneous. Like flicking off the lights. Close eyes, Ottawa, open them up again in Dorval. Neat :)

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I'm a Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer

Posted on February 20, 2004 By admin

According to http://www.okcupid.com, an online dating site recommended to me by [info]strychnyn, my personality profile is that of The Slow Dancer

Steady, reliable, and cradling her tenderly. Take a deep breath, and let it out real easy…you are The Slow Dancer.

Your focus is love, not sex, and for your age, you have average experience. But you're a great, thoughtful guy, and your love life improves every year. There's also a powerful elimination process working in your favor: most Playboy types get stuck raising unwanted kids before you even begin settling down. The women left over will be hot and yours. Your ideal woman is someone intimate, intelligent, and very supportive.

While you're not exactly the life of the party, you do thrive in small groups of smart people. Your circle of friends is extra tight and it's HIGHLY likely they're just like you. You appreciate symmetry in relationships.

Hehehe

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Oldie, but goodie.

Posted on February 19, 2004 By admin

Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord:

  • My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones that can hide the enemy.
  • My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
  • My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
  • Shooting is not too good for my enemies and should be done ASAP.
  • The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
  • I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
  • When I've captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I'll say “No” and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say “No.
  • After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my master plan will be carried out.
  • I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled “Danger: Do Not Push''. The big red button marked “Do Not Push'' will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
  • I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
  • I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
  • One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
  • All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
  • The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
  • I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
  • I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know.”
  • When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
  • I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
  • I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
  • Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
  • I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
  • No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
  • I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless –my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
  • I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
  • No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
  • No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
  • I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
  • My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
  • I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
  • All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
  • All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
  • I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
  • I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
  • I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
  • I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
  • I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
  • If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
  • If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
  • If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out the attacking leader among his army.
  • I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
  • Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
  • When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
  • I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
  • I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
  • I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say “And here is the price for failure,'' then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
  • If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?'', I will reply “This.'' and kill the advisor.
  • If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
  • I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
  • If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
  • My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
  • If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
  • I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
  • If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!”, I will say “Oh well,” and kill her.
  • I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
  • The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
  • My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
  • Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
  • If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
  • I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
  • My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
  • If my advisors ask “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?”, I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
  • I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
  • Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals — The flames will be constant!
  • I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
  • If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
  • My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the death ray.
  • No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
  • I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
  • All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
  • When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
  • If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
  • If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
  • I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
  • When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it lying on top of my desk.
  • I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
  • If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
  • If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
  • I will not tell my Legions of Terror “And he must be taken alive!” The command will be “And try to take him alive — unless he resists.”
  • If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
  • If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
  • If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
  • I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
  • If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
  • I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
  • I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. “Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.” Instead it will be more along the lines of “Push the button.”
  • I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
  • My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
  • If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
  • After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
  • I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
  • I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
  • If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
  • If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
  • When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
  • My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
  • My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
  • My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
  • If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
  • Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to at least 1.45Mb in size so that it won't conveniently fit on a single diskette.
  • Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access and, of course, free e-mail!

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She'd become a governess. It was one of the few jobs a known lady could do. And she'd taken to it well. She'd sworn that if she did indeed ever find herself dancing on rooftops with chimney sweeps she'd beat herself to death with her own umbrella.
--(Terry Pratchett, Hogfather)

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