Author: admin

Went to a client meeting this morning, couldn't help but think about possums. Certain people on LJ have been a bad influence on me (I'm thinking of a certain person, who believes that the world revolves around her breasts. Now granted, they're nice ones, but still.)

It's always good when friends make you laugh first thing in the morning. It's always a good way to start the day. I had this in my email. Just click on the thumbnail to see the whole cartoon.

http://www.cameltoe.org/

My favourite is the cameltoe haiku section:

Cuntry divided East versus West in Toe Land Bush torn between sides.	Yo-yo in your pants? Or just happy to see me? Pick-up line needs work.
My wrinkled grommet Strains against nylon panties. Ship of the desert	Two hills inverted but always on the right side up and in and home
The vertical smile Behind painted on britches Bicambrian grin	Zip the fly tightly Feel the crease define your lips Denim tells no lies.
What's a camel toe? A slice of pie on both sides. Fabric in between.	Toothless, scheming mouth chews the thong with moistened gums, whispers things to come.
All-beef patties and Inverted Golden Arches Redneck McDonalds	Fleshy meat curtains Two performers on a stage Exit left – and right
Young teens, sunny beach Camera focus, oh young toe Oh shit, it's the cops

And was greatly appreciated by the lass for whom it was cooked. Black-Tulip came over for dinner and a movie. I finally fixed my blender (sidenote: WOOHOO!), so I made cream of carrot soup, which she had for the first time and found delish. Then I made my ever so famous penne in cream sauce du jour. It's loosely based on a carbonara, but usually changes every time I make it. This day's version had chicken breast, mushrooms, shallots, white wine (the little riesling I'd brought back from Sattui), butter, cream and loads of freshly grated parmesan. A cholesterol special, but damn, it was probably my best one yet. That also went down with great fanfare. After that, we settled down to watch the Italian job and then talked about my trip after the movie.

She's now safe at home, and I'm going off to bed.

Nighters all.

Splungerrific:
	how was the party? 
Rc:
	harsh 
Splungerrific:
	how so? 
Rc:
	man, I'm surprised how functional I am this morning 
Splungerrific:
	it's afternoon, lazy ass 
Rc:
	I drank a bottle of scotch last night 
Rc:
	went to bed at 6am 
Splungerrific:
	ooooh.. good job, and you didn't die 
Rc:
	got up at 11 
Rc:
	hangover free! 
Splungerrific:
	wow, congrats 
Rc:
	truly, I'm amazed! 
Splungerrific:
	so... any cuties at this party? 
Rc:
	nah 
Rc:
	well, I mean, yes 
Rc:
	but no availabilities 
Splungerrific:
	oh pooh, that sucks  
Rc:
	still, had fun though 
Splungerrific:
	that's good 

INSTRUCTIONS TO EVERYTHING

1. Welcome!

2. Spell out your full name, surname first. Fill in the circles completely with a No. 2 pencil. Make sure your marks are heavy and dark.

3. Enter your five-digit pin number. If you do not own a touch-tone phone, hold for operator assistance. If you do not hear an alarm within sixty seconds, force the door open. If the door wont open, try closing it first.

4. Insert tab A into slot 6. Color in any space marked “3” with cornflower blue. Do not put all your eggs in one (1) basket. Do not pound square pegs into round holes. Guide them in gently. Think outside the box. Then fill in boxes 7a(a)-7a(c) with your age, address, and conception of the afterlife.

5. Think, write, revise. Lather, rinse, repeat. Before you begin assembly, locate the fissile isotope plutonium-239. Determine its expiration date, then predetermine your own.

6. Check at least once a month, perhaps in the shower. Search carefully for a hard, pea-size growth. Remove the hard drive with a flathead screwdriver. Phillips-head screwdrivers are awkward tools and untrustworthy lovers, like the Danish.

7. To avoid the appearance of sexist language in your writing, try to pluralize, stylize, or just tell lies. Always replace “he” with “he or she.” Also replace “she” with “he or she,” unless preceded by the phrase “he or.”

8. If you are travelling with a child under the age of twelve, strap your oxygen mask to your face first, then put your childs oxygen mask on your face. If your oxygen supply runs low, photosynthesize. If you experience technical difficulties, weep softly, with prudence. When finished, configure the plutonium-239 into a small “pit” packed with explosives. This pit will compress symmetrically into a supercritical mass when detonated. Be careful not to apply this product, or yourself, in high humidity or at abnormal altitudes.

9. Just say “No!” If you speak Spanish, say ”

10. Take a deep breath. Think about slowly moving clouds that are white, like wedding dresses and Deborahs legs in the rain. Dont worry about shark attacks, terror attacks, or the inheritance tax.

11. Do not stare directly at the sun. Do not exceed the recommended dosage of anything, except Vitamin C and meaningful emotional contact.

12. In the rare event that a mature adult of the human species confronts you, stretch your arms above your head to make yourself as tall as possible. Shout strong commands with a strong, commanding shout. If you are assaulted, fall down and play dead. Do not play dead for more than seventy-two hours, or you will die.

13. Pause. Pause again.

14. Insert your card into the machine and determine if you are happy or sad. If you are unsure, ask a loved one, but the likely answer is a combination of four to six numerals. Make sure to refrigerate after opening. A sulfurous, or “rotten egg,” smell is a sign that something is wrong. Notify transit authorities.

15. Take a moment to ease your mind, stretch your legs, and exercise your Second Amendment rights. Review your work thus far. Is this the best you can do? Why wont you settle down and grow up? Why must you constantly confuse ranch dressing and Russian dressing? Why did Deborah wait through twelve years of marriage before leaving to pursue her career as an office temp?

16. Seventeen syllables is a haiku. Eighteen syllables is an unauthorized withdrawal of company resources and will be punished to the fullest extent of the law.

17. Studies show that Monday afternoons are optimal. Engage the employee in a room near his desk. Compliment his kinfolk and establish a light, collegial atmosphere with an icebreaker – perhaps a gender-sensitive joke about mulatto children. Use positive inflection and never say the words “youre fired.” Talk about company cutbacks. Talk about hope, about faith, about weather cycles, about anything other than testicular cancer and corporate liability. Call the employee “a real trouper.” If he or she looks sad, talk about sports. Everybody likes sports. Except, of course, golf.

18. If the one who is “it” touches you, you are now “it.”

19. The addition of tritium will boost fissile power. Now that the plutonium is properly packed, the device is functional. Carefully consider other dieting options before starting a thermonuclear war or ending a thermonuclear peace. Remember, violence is not an alternative. Violence is not an answer. Unless the question is “What is an eight-letter word for something painful that is neither an alternative nor an answer?”

20. Be mindful that bees smell fear but not toxic chemical defoliants. Humans, like most life-forms (lobsters, lichen), can smell neither. God can smell both fear and defoliants, because God is all-smelling. If only Deborahs orthodox Lutheran upbringing hadnt closed her mind to this revelation, widening the schism between us. If only she could have diverted her energies from stapling and faxing to refreshing the stagnant adolescence of our marriage. If only she werent Danish.

21. No, no! Refrigerate after opening!

22. Put your left leg in.

23. Take your left leg out.

24. Put your left leg in:

a. Shake it all about. If you experience feelings of “warmth,” “uncontrollable laughter,” or “death,” the process is operating properly.

b. Bathe, floss, and move your bowels daily. Do not fall in love this often.

25. That is all.

I Am A: Chaotic Good Dwarf Thief Bard

Alignment:
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.

Race:
Dwarves are short and stout, and easily recognizable by their well-cared-for beards. They are hard workers, and adept at stonework and engineering. They tend to live apart from other races; generally in deep, underground excavated systems, and as such tend to be distant from other races.

Primary Class:
Thieves are the most roguish of the classes. They are sneaky and nimble-fingered, and have skills with traps and locks. While not all use these skills for burglary, that is a common occupation of this class.

Secondary Class:
Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy of NeppyMan (e-mail)

do you worry that you're not liked
how long till you break
you're happy cause you smile
but how much can you fake
an ordinary boy an ordinary name
but ordinary's just not good enough today
        …Superman's dead, by Our Lady Peace

http://www.happytreefriends.com/ – Cute and disturbing, just like some people I know.

I didn't remember that the roach song was in my playlist. You can hear it here. That song will always remind me of Michel's apartment in Toronto, where we pissed ourselves laughing at that horrendously bad movie.

I was talking with Michel over a beer tonight, and he commented that I'm frequenting some interesting people these days. He also pointed out the following fact. Basically, there's a high preponderance of my female friends who are gay or bi, who have been or are going to australia and who are insane to some extent. I could only agree, but since I like these people, it's all good.

Morpheus

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congratulations. you are the “you smell like
butt” bunny. your brutally honest and
always say whats on your mind.

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