Tag: joke

Off color dad jokes

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The Hand has been collecting politically incorrect Dad jokes with which to better torture Katy. Some favourites so far :

What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

What drives a lesbian up the wall?
A crack in the ceiling.

What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
One’s a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.

What do lesbians need in order to get married?
A licker license.

What do you call a lesbian sharpshooter?
A crack shot.

What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
Klondike.

What do you call three lesbians in a closet?
A licker cabinet.

What do you call an Irish lesbian?
Gaylick.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A Lickalotopus

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Rules of the lab

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Nothing is as easy as it looks.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

All scientific discoveries are first recorded on napkins or tablecloths. Engineering advances are drawn inside matchbook covers. Keep supplies of them handy at all times.

Everything takes longer than you think.

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

When you don’t know what you’re doing, do it neatly.

Remember that your supervisor is a busy person – if he/she isn’t, change your supervisor

Experiments must be reproducible, they should fail the same way each time.

Never replicate a successful experiment

First draw your curves, then plot your data.

An experiment may be considered successful if no more than half the data must be discarded to agree with the theory.

Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.

Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.

To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.

If you can’t get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

Do not believe in miracles – rely on them.

Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.

No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.

Any delicate and expensive piece of equipment will break before any use can be made of it.

If nobody uses it, there’s a reason.

Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out. No one you ask for help will see the mistakes either.

If you know what you’re doing, how long it will take, or what it will cost, it isn’t research.

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Every solution breeds new problems.

muppetlabs

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Bad jokes of the day

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A shy guy goes into a bar, sees a beautiful woman, and says, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” She responds by yelling, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Embarrassed, he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. I’m a psych student studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean, $200?”

One night, on a camping trip, Sherlock Holmes wakes up Watson and says, “Look at the stars. What do you deduce?” Watson thinks for a minute and says, “Well, I see millions of stars, many of which resemble our sun, which most likely have their own planets, which most likely have life-forms like us, so I deduce that there is life on other planets.” And Sherlock says, “No, you idiot, someone’s stolen our tent.”

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing-eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and shouts, “What are you doing?!” The blind man replies, “Just looking around.”

Three old gals are sitting on a park bench, and a flasher comes up and flashes them. Two of the gals have a stroke. But the third couldn’t reach that far.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotopus.

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the hood of their car. The one nun says to the other, “Quick! Show him your cross!” So the other nun leans out the window and shouts, “Get off our f–ing car!”

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Bad joke :)

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A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him he has only a day to live. He goes home to tell his wife, who asks what he wants to do with his final hours. Of course he wants to spend them having sex. They have great sex all night long. Finally, at about 2:00 A.M., his wife says she’s tired and wants to go to sleep.

He says, “Oh, come on, can’t we just do it one more time?”

And she says, “Look, I’ve got to get up in the morning — you don’t!”

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The bacon tree

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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden…….

‘Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?

‘Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee’.

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture .. there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon… every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

‘Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eet EES a bacon tree!’

‘Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don’t forget.’

‘Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree’.

And with that …Luis races toward the tree. He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

‘Pepe…go back man,you was right…ees not a bacon tree.’

‘Luis Luis, mi amigo…what ees it?

‘Pepe…ees not a bacon tree…

Ees……….

Ees…

Ees………

Ees….

… Eees a Ham Bush

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A layman’s guide to philosophy

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TERM WHAT IT MEANS TO A LAYMAN

 WHAT IT MEANS TO A PHILOSOPHER
hooker one who can be hired to engage in sexual intercourse one who thinks that "if A, then B" is logically equivalent (in some sense) to "either not-A, or B"; can be hired to tutor undergraduates, and costs much less
utilitarian almost precisely cubical and made of concrete, probably a multi-storey car park one who believes that the morally right action is the one with the best consequences, so far as the distribution of happiness is concerned; a creature generally believed to be endowed with the propensity to ignore their own drowning children in order to push buttons which will cause mild sexual gratification in a warehouse full of rabbits
Benthamite substance from the planet Bentham capable of draining the super powers of Wonder Woman, or Spiderman, or some such person someone who really would ignore their own drowning child in order to push the rabbit-gratification button
supervenience that's it! … he's the guy that gets killed by Benthamite a one-way dependence relation between properties or facts of one type and properties or facts of another
personal identity the subject of self-help books and those modern Broadway songs which involve the use of a spotlight that by virtue of which I am the same person I was yesterday
logic …dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few,Captain involves upside-down As and reversed Es
existential
quantifier		 an angst-ridden statistician a reversed E: see above
a posteriori things you think of when you're sitting down knowledge which is the result of and is based upon experience of some kind
a priori something you've thought of to head your "things to do" list things you think of when you're sitting down, in an armchair, usually with a snifter of brandy in one hand
Platonic the sort of love which is all very well in its way a philosophical position which posits abstract objects almost palpable enough to trip over
Platonic
heaven		 this is a contradiction in terms: see above a place where one might find triangles, the square root of two, and the abstract property of being a mountain goat
Lewis author of books about Narnia a contemporary philosopher with a formidable reputation and a truly colossal beard
Quine an alternative spelling of the Old Scottish word "quean", a synonym for "strumpet" which one might just get away with using in a game of Scrabble; indeed, which one often has to resort to using if all of the U's are already on the board a contemporary philosopher of formidable reputation who I've never actually met, and whose beard I am told does not exist, but who I imagine has quite an impressive snort
Kripke the name of a policeman who is the subject of a song in West Side Story, spelled so that New Zealanders will pronounce it correctly* a contemporary philosopher of formidable reputation who, I am reliably informed, does have something of an impressive snort
Locke thatte whyche prevents rogues and arrant knaves from burgling Ye Olde English Tea Shoppe a dead philosopher of politics, language and mind
Moore Dan Quayle's description of Othelloe a dead philosopher fond of mentioning that he had two hands
Hobbes the butler a dead political philosopher (who I also think of as having a snort to be reckoned with)
t a letter of the alphabet a moment in time
grue another one of those Old Scottish words so invaluable in a game of Scrabble, this one meaning "a creeping of the flesh" either green and first observed before time t or blue and first observed after or at time t
modal something to do with different tonal centres and flattened leading notes, as in "Scarborough Fair" the phrase "possible worlds" is going to be mentioned any second now
possible
world		 a phrase which I seem to recall was used as a lyric in a recent animated movie from the Walt Disney studios either the biggest spatio-temporally connected thing of which we are all part, in which case there is only one; or some sort of weird abstraction, in which case there are uncountably many; but for a different view see Lewis
realist hard-headed someone who believes in the existence of trees; usually hard-headed,but if you mean "realist about everything", decidedly soft-headed
idealist see tree-hugging, below one who doesn't actually disbelieve in trees, but who thinks that they can't be bumped into, take up no space, and are in constant danger of winking out of existence if they are not properly attended to
pragmatist as hard-headed as they come someone whose belief in the existence of trees depends on their belief in the disposition of scientifically-minded angels to believe in trees
slab the noise made by a semi-literate, almost sub-sentient, drunken creature, in order to indicate that it wishes to be given twenty-four cans of beer the noise made by a semi-literate, almost sub-sentient, drunken creature, in order to indicate that there is a piece of masonry in the immediate vicinity
Descartes a mathematician a philosopher
Leibniz a mathematician a philosopher
Davies a philosopher a physicist
classical Helen of Troy, Beethoven, Corinthian architecture and similar things a stodgy, old-fashioned logic which produces wildly implausible results: for example, according to classical logic, no proposition is both true and false
deviant someone who does unspeakable things to furry animals a logic which probably would do unspeakable things to furry animals, if it could
absurd silly very silly
Republic a nation defined chiefly by its lack of a monarch a nation which may well have a monarch, so long as the monarch believes everything Plato believes, and has Plato's taste in music
France a country in Europe a nation defined chiefly by its lack of a monarch
the folk the people responsible for maintaining the national supply of macrame wall hangings a collection of more or less sensible chaps who more or less know what they mean, and it's more or less what I mean
gunk matter which was once made of atoms like ordinary matter but which is now a formless substance blocking your drains matter which is not made of atoms like ordinary matter, as it is infinitely divisible
deconstructing
the other		 ??? ???
Continental croissants, fruit juice, coffee deconstructing the other
rabbit rabbit contiguous and bi-laterally symmetric (when considered three-dimensionally) fusion of temporal slices, chronologically ordered, of what you are so pleased to call a "rabbit" (rabbit, indeed)
metaphysics somewhere between "crystal healing" and "tree hugging" in the Dewey decimal system No! How many times do I have to tell you? Nothing whatever to do with this New Age stuff! Now move my book away from the stand containing Shirley MacLaine, or I shall be very upset

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You say tomato, I say tomate.

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Tingo, nakkele and other wonders

English is a rich and innovative language. But you can't help feeling we're missing out. While English speakers have to describe the action of laughing so much that one side of your abdomen hurts (hardly an economical phrase), the Japanese have the much more efficient expression: katahara itai.

Of course, the English language has borrowed words for centuries. Khaki and croissant are cases in point.

So perhaps it's time to be thinking about adding others to the lexicon. Malay, for instance, has gigi rongak – the space between the teeth. The Japanese have bakku-shan – a girl who appears pretty from behind but not from the front. Then there's a nakkele – a man who licks whatever the food has been served on (from Tulu, India).

These fabulous examples have been collected by author Adam Jacot de Boinod into The Meaning Of Tingo – a collection of words and phrases from around the world. “What I'm really trying to do is celebrate the joy of foreign words (in a totally unjudgmental way) and say that while English is a great language, one shouldn't be surprised there are many others having, as they do, words with no English equivalent,” he says.

Having pored over 280 dictionaries and trawled 140 websites, he is also convinced that a country's dictionary says more about a culture than a guide book. Hawaiians, for instance, have 108 words for sweet potato, 65 for fishing nets – and 47 for banana.

The German propensity for compound words pays dividends. Kummerspeck is a German word which literally means grief bacon: it is the word that describes the excess weight gained from emotion-related overeating.

A Putzfimmel is a mania for cleaning and Drachenfutter – literally translated as dragon fodder – are the peace offerings made by guilty husbands to their wives.

Or there's die beleidigte Leberwurst spielen – to stick one's lower lip out in a sulk (literally, to play the insulted liver sausage). Perhaps it's a Backpfeifengesicht – a face that cries out for a fist in it.

Words and phrases can suggest the character of a nation. The Dutch vocabulary, for instance, seems to confirm the nation's light-hearted reputation. The word uitwaaien is Dutch for walking in windy weather for fun.

The Maori-speakers of the Cook Islands sound like an enthusiastic bunch: the word toto is the shout given in a game of hide-and-seek to show readiness.

Perhaps the Inuit notion of a good time must be, of necessity, a little more constrained. The long winter nights must fly by as they play a game called igunaujannguaq, literally meaning frozen walrus carcass. (The game involves the person in the centre of a ring trying to remain stiff as he is passed around the ring, hand over hand.)

But it's those fun-loving people in the Netherlands who should have the last word – the phrase for skimming stones is as light-hearted as the action: plimpplampplettere.

The Albanians exhibit a strange fascination for facial hair. There are no fewer than 27 separate expressions for the moustache.

Madh means a bushy moustache, posht is a moustache hanging down at the ends and fshes is a long broom-like moustache with bristly hairs.

This hirsute obsession is not confined to moustaches. Vetullkalem describes pencil-thin eyebrows, vetullperpjekur are joined together eyebrows and those arched like the crescent moon are vetullhen.

Perhaps nothing so intriguingly displays differences between nations as the unusual occupations of some of its citizens. Geshtenjapjeks is an Albanian who sells roast chestnuts on the street. A koshatnik in Russian is a dealer of stolen cats.

A kualanapuhi is a Hawaiian officer who keeps the flies away from the sleeping king by waving a brush made of feathers. In Turkey a cigerci is a seller of liver and lungs and the Danish have a fyrassistent – an assistant lighthouse keeper.

And Spanish speakers in central America have a description of a government employee who only shows up on payday – an aviador.

Which brings us back to de Boinod's title: tingo is an invaluable word from the Pascuense language of Easter Island meaning “to borrow objects from a friend's house, one by one, until there's nothing left”.

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Vocabularians and lingweenies

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What a lovely bunch of vocabularians (persons who make up new words) you are! Lasterday (refers to any day before today) we squinched (action required to fit something into a space that is slightly too small) a schmiglet (a small unit of measurement) of your awesomtastic (so wonderful the words just meld in your mouth) one-of-a-kind entries into this space in preparation for our Top Ten reveal. With so many chizzy (awesome, super, happening) creations to choose from, we admit to becoming a bit flusterpated (a state of being flustered that's so intense, one's actions and words become bound up) and fahoodled (confused, esp. when trying to think of too many things at once). We craughed (to cry and laugh simultaneously), we troddled (to wander around without knowing of doing so), and finally decided to use the schwack (a large amount) of multiple entries received as the basis for the Top Tenthis is, let's not forget, all about favoritism.

From the thousands of submissions we received, here, then, are the ten words (not in the dictionary) entered the most often:

Top Ten Favorite Words (Not in the Dictionary)

1. ginormous (adj): bigger than gigantic and bigger than enormous

2. confuzzled (adj): confused and puzzled at the same time

3. woot (interj): an exclamation of joy or excitement

4. chillax (v): chill out/relax, hang out with friends

5. cognitive displaysia (n): the feeling you have before you even leave the house that you are going to forget something and not remember it until you're on the highway

6. gription (n): the purchase gained by friction: “My car needs new tires because the old ones have lost their gription.”

7. phonecrastinate (v): to put off answering the phone until caller ID displays the incoming name and number

8. slickery (adj): having a surface that is wet and icy

9. snirt (n): snow that is dirty, often seen by the side of roads and parking lots that have been plowed

10. lingweenie (n): a person incapable of producing neologisms

Original link: http://m-w.com/info/favorite.htm

POPULAR CULTURE

ESPN-onage (n): secretly viewing an all-sports network when your wife leaves the room

polkadodge (n): the pseudo dance when two people attempt to pass each other, each moving in the same direction

scrax (n): the waxy coating that must be scratched off an instant lottery ticket

LANGUAGE

dunandunate (v): to overuse a word or phrase that has been recently added to one's vocabulary

lexpionage (n): the sleuthing of new words and phrases

whinese (n) a language spoken by children or spouses on long road trips

WEATHER

slush turtle (n): the snow that collects on your mud flap

spinter (n): the season between winter and spring where everything is drowning in a slush/mud mixture

sprummer (n) when spring and summer can't decide which is going to come firsthot one day, cold the next

PEOPLE

headset jockey (n): a telephone call center worker at the other end of a toll-free number

knitpicker (n): a person who selects your knitted sweaters. Beware the Christmas knitpicker or the put-the-family-in-the-same-sweater-for-the-photo knitpicker.

stealth-geek (n): one that hides nerdy interests while maintaining a normal outward appearance

ANATOMY

fumb (n): the large toe

jimberjaw (n): a protrusive chin

wibble (n): a trembling of the lower lip just shy of actually crying

MENTAL & PHYSICAL CONDITIONS

asphinxiation (n): when you are sick to death of unanswerable riddles

museum head (n): being mentally exhausted, and unable to take in anything more; usu. follows after a full day at the museum

precuperate (v): prepare for the possibility of being ill

TECHNOLOGY & THE INTERNET

shanghaIM (v): Instant Messaging somebody who's in the process of IM-ing somebody else, causing them to inadvertently type (and possibly send) their message to you

vidiot (n): one inept at programming a VCR

wurfing (v): the act of surfing the Internet at work and rationalizing that it is for work purposes

TRANSPORTATION

detroitus (n): car parts found alongside the highway

junkstaposition (n): when two or more immobile vehicles are parked next to each other

pregreening (v): the tendency to creep forward while waiting for a red light to change

FOOD

onionate (v): to overwhelm with post-dining breath

smushables (n): the groceries that must be packed at the top of the bag or separately to avoid being mangled by the time you get home

spatulate (v): remove cake batter or other substances from the side of a mixing bowl with a spatula

MISCELLANEOUS

dringle (n): the ring-shaped stain on wood caused by condensation from a glass of liquid

espacular (adj): especially spectacular

furgle (v): to feel in a pocket or purse for a small object such as a coin or key

hoyle (n): the point at which a genius transcends our reality and becomes a madman

nudenda (n): a nudist's unhidden agenda

optotoxical (adj): of or pertaining to poisonous looks that could kill, esp. from a spouse

parrotise (n): a haven for exotic birds, esp. green ones

quackmire (n): muddy edges of a duck pond

sinspire (v): to compel one to be creatively wicked

sprog (v): to go faster than a jog but slower than a sprint

Source: http://m-w.com/info/favorite_not_prev.htm

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