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Tag: the british way

Like Dennis Leary said

Posted on April 16, 2010 By admin

the problem is not less drugs, it’s more drugs given to the right people!

Russel Brand thinks heroin would save the music industry.

The British comedy actor claims heavy drug use could help the world avoid the “awful music” teen stars such as Justin Bieber are releasing. Brand – who has overcome heroin addiction and is the patron of a rehab centre in the UK – told Rolling Stone magazine: “The top of the hit parade would look very different if teenyboppers were exposed to heroin.

“It would weed a lot of them out. I don’t think Justin Bieber could handle Syd Barrett from Pink Floyd’s habit.

“A lot of people in their journey to rehab overdose, and then, perhaps, we could be spared their awful music. It’s Darwinian. It’s the law of natural selection.”

Brand also insisted that rock stars who penned top tracks while drugged should be the idols of today, rather than “transient pop stars”. He said, “The music I listen to is mostly by the dead and dying, which is how I want my rock stars: Syd Barrett, Jimi Hendrix and the Doors.”

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Best E-Bay ad ever!

Posted on March 22, 2010April 9, 2010 By admin

Original link here: http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=230451057921

Attention Teenage Drug Dealers/Low Life & Oxygen Thieves

If you think you’ve saved enough benefit from your 4 children before your 20, this could be the answer to your prayers.

A proper bastardised, chaved up Skippy mobile if ever there was. Enhance your street cred at the local drive thru burger joint or council estate shop front no end with this utterly tacky converted little Renault Clio. Not your Gran’s idea of a lift to town, granted, but a fantastic opportunity to increase 3 fold your class A drug selling ability. This is the car you need boys. The punters will flock to the window for your home grown skunk and other illegal substances. you just ain’t gonna look out of place in this little beauty! Now I’ve made sure the tax ran out last November, so there is a big pat on your scrawny little backs already.

Dig out yer favourite unwashed “Umbro” hoodie and come cast your shifty little eyes on this. Ideal for the “Street Pharmacist” and other suitably attired twats. Your gonna need a baseball cap with this beauty, ideally one that comes with no fitting instructions. Heaven forbid you should put it on the right way. What better way to compliment your stolen Nike Air Max trainers than to be seen dangling a foot outta this pocket rocket.

Worried about the Babylon spotting ya, no need. Car comes fully equipped with proper blacked out gangster glass on the side windows. Hell, you could even fill the back up with yer ugly chav kids and knowone’d see ’em. doesn’t get much better boys. Ah, but it does. It does. To show your complete and utter lack of taste and knowledge of the motor car you’ll also find the ridiculous rock hard lowered suspension to your taste as well. Why not get a step closer to Gran’s inheritance by offering her a lift in ya new “wheels” then taking her down the post Office flat out over the speed humps round your estate and hopefully knocking the spine out of her? Might need 2 laps but god damn them single teenage mums smoking Marlboro Lights outside the chippy will be impressed fella’s. You know that they like a ride like this. Turn up the Alpine Head Unit, stick in your favourite and incomprehensible “Drum & Bass” Cd and the throbbing out the 6×9 parcel shelf will have them pregnant in no time.

To complete the proper drug dealer look, a tasteless stripe has been fitted from the front to the rear. Finished in “Air Max” white it really doesn’t complement the car in any shape or form. Rather like you and your Brethren spitting on the floor constantly. Completely needless but you think it makes a statement about you. You’ll also enjoy the totally pointless but ridiculously noisy after market air filter. About as helpful as a fart in an astronaut suit, but hell, you didn’t get where you are today by being helpful, did you?
I’m quite sad to see the thing go really. There is nothing more pleasurable to me at 41 than to drive round in this bit of shit and look a complete prick. I’d much rather hand the opportunity to you work shy crack head council tenants any day. This little set of wheels is gonna let the other hoodies know you’ve made it. cocaine and skunk selling is never gonna get any easier for the lucky buyer of this car. I might have a deal on a couple of gram’s of smack or coke, but ideally I’d need to get a serious drug habit before hand. Perhaps someone could help? You can pay in cash or wraps, I’m easy really. Bring along your mums credit card or one that your mate has cloned down the petrol station. If it is going to be hard cash, please ensure it is discretely hidden in a used Tesco carrier bag, and you have folded one £20 note around 4 others. Makes counting so much easier.

For any female buyer I’m offering a free Tatoo of something utterly meaninless to go in the middle of your lower back. If you haven’t already got your “Tramp Stamp” that is.

If your an under-age drink driver, or under-age driver for that matter, this little beauty really isn’t going to attract the attention of the local constabulary at all. you’ll drift pass any patrol car effortlessly. Make sure there is at least 6 of you in the car though, Splif in hand. If your driving, have another swig from your 2 litre plastic “LIDL” brand cider as you nonchalantly flip the bird to the passing police patrol. Head off for the nearest estate for some tyre screeching fun. They ain’t never gonna take you alive in this.

The car does like a good rev in the morning at any unsocial hour. Neighbours will love it and feel proud to live in the same road. don’t forget to rev the pants off of it at all junctions and roundabouts as well. This really will increase the length of your manhood no end. your virginity is gonna be a thing of the past when the babes see you in this “fanny magnet”. You can almost bet your last eighth of puff your gonna get laid. Hell, might even get a few STD’s as well. your gonna get a proper bird with this motor.

For the disqualified driver I’ll even offer to recover it from outside the local Magistrates or police station. What better way to impress the local Judicial system in one final act of defiance before collecting your ASBO?

Don’t let the frivolous matter of actually holding a current, valid drivers licence and insurance put you off this bargain. A visit to your local crack house should procure some documentation from as little as fifty quid.

Nuff said, innit.

Some of the questions posted on the auction:

Q: Aiight bredrin duz it cum wi da blingin turbo whistler fingy in da rudeboi xhaust?
A: na man, me got it confiskated by da 5-0 4 been diss

Q: I say old chap, your charabanc looks absolutely spiffing. Does one know if one would possibly become attractive to those young fillies out there if one was to purchase it? I also think this would make an excellent weekend replacement for the roller, it would be much less conspicuous when I go out hunting skeezers whilst puffing on a woolah.
A: u is pizzin in da wind bro. me fink u like men..come out bro u safe.

Q: wikked how spacious is the boot? would, for example, the low life shitbag who has started to undercut me on my turf fit in the boot? is it soundproof?
A: u is gettin boddy in boot bro but gonna need to dismember it ’cause me base box inda way..Me mate Alsta do it but he say it messy nd he wanna drink..

Q: I say chap, that is my daughters car It was stolen from outside Marks and Spencers a week past Thursday. Felicity and I would be very happy if you would return our property to us (undamaged and with a full tank of fuel). If you will not comply then I shall have to inform the authorities. Kind regards Sebastian Howard.
A: woooaay dude!! Possesion is 9 tenths da law. it is my possesion now. Me own em wheels. felicity can work somin out wid me do. Is she fit? anywayz in wernt M & S me found it round da back NEXT but ‘ad 2 cut da clamp of. She left some crap CD’s init. Init

Q: esy bra if i buys this ride will i get all the julies after me init?
A: de julies be trippin up ya manor wiv dis set o wheels bro. Use is gonna get some serios hunnies

Q: I say old chap, could I borrow your car for a few weeks. I have something going on with a Scottish chap called Brown and I think your motorcar will help enormously with my “street cred”. I will return it after May 6th. I’m sure I can sort out a fiscal package for your inconvenience at that time. Many thanks. Dave. PS Could you throw in a couple of “Julies” for the boys in the office.
A: My Dear Mr Cameron. Anything to assist getting that one eye’d Scotish monkey out of government gets my vote! By all means borrow it. Use it as your election logo. you’ll win all the hoodies over!!

Q: I say old chap, one is looking for a nice auto for ones Mother in Law. Do you think this might suit the old gal? would there be a danger of her getting beaten senseless if she were to, by pure accident, pull into McDonalds car park, dont you know? If so, this could be the car for me…
A: she not get beaten. she get boned. bring da girl over. me is likein a MILF. Booyakasha!!!

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A bit of snow and the country goes mad

Posted on January 11, 2010 By admin

I’ve been in the UK for coming on 5 years now. Every year I’ve been here, it has snowed at some point. Every year, people lose their mofo’n mind and go totally batshit. People sleep in their cars and offices. Schools close down for weeks. People empty gas station tanks and Tesco shelves are barren.

Every damn year.

And you know what? People still don’t learn their lesson and prepare for it. Snow tires are unheard of, except in the far reaches of Scotland. Grit and salt are always in too short a supply, and there is no infrastructure to use it.

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Usury is alive and well in the UK

Posted on November 19, 2009November 19, 2009 By admin

Katy got some postal spam yesterday from a “personal finance” company that targets people with a bad credit history. It’s all shiny and lovey and sparkly, telling her how she can get lots of stuff for cheap, and how she can “make this Christmas the best ever!”

Among the shiny-shiny, there’s this little gem:

At first, I thought it was a typo, but no. It does, in fact, say 235.5% APR.

And if things couldn’t get any sillier, I went on their website and had a play with their loan calculator. There’s a little disclaimer, hidden away in the FAQ, that reads:

The Annual Percentage Rate (APR) on your loan will depend on how much you want to borrow and how many weeks you choose to repay it over.

So, if you try and borrow the maximum amount of money they’ll lend (£500) for the shortest period (23 weeks), it works out like to a weekly payment of £32.50, for a total repayment of £747.50. In other words, you get charged an APR of 545.2%

And people wonder why the UK has one of the worst credit profiles in Europe.

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Louis Walsh has completely lost the plot

Posted on November 9, 2009 By admin

Louis Walsh is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the biggest crackpot I’ve ever seen and it would seem that his tenuous grip on reality is slipping.

The whole “I’m a judge, I’m allowed to have an opinion. You’re not a judge, so shut up” thing with the host of X-factor was already a pile of horseshit, but then he said the same thing to the whole audience – with lovely visuals – after his pair of trained monkeys sang the Ghostbusters tune. Stay classy, Louis.

Seriously. I can understand the financial reasons to keep the twins (I refuse to call them Jedward) on. They cause controversy. It’s like the Howard Stern show in the US. More people who hate the show listen to it than people who actually like Stern. Why? Because they want to hear what he says so that they can complain about it. Same difference here. The idiots are a cash cow. Of course they can’t sing and have no talent. Of course they’re going to be toned down, tuned out, voice-overed and backup-signered to death. It’s still car-crash TV. You know it’s bad, but you can’t help yourself. And that’s why Simon Cowell didn’t vote them off. It’s better for the ratings and therefore his own bottom line in merchandising tie-ins, show tickets, tour tickets, yada yada yada. He knows they’re not going to win, but he’s going to make as much money from them as he can in the process.

Cowell’s motives are based purely in capitalism and greed and I can respect that. Louis firmly believes that they’re good and they can win. For that, he must die!

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How low can you go?

Posted on October 30, 2009 By admin

Wannabes queued up to conceive a baby with a stranger live on air for a £100,000 prize. The show was a spoof, but what does it say about reality TV?

It started as a challenge – to come up with the ultimate tasteless reality TV show and test the boundaries of the format. But in just eight weeks, “Let’s Make a Baby” came dangerously close to becoming a real show. Hundreds of reality TV hopefuls jammed the phone lines when the show advertised for contestants, and TV channels from all over the world offered vast sums of money to buy the rights to the series.

“Never in our wildest dreams did we imagine we would get that far with such little effort,” says the programme’s producer and director, Helen Sage.

The undercover experiment was for BBC Three’s current affairs series Mischief. The programme’s makers came up with the most “tasteless and morally dubious” idea they could, and a fake production company to sell it. Let’s Make a Baby would centre around contestants – all strangers – living in a “fertility house”, with the least attractive being voted out each week. The remaining two couples would then have a race to conceive a child and win £100,000 each.

The idea was first pitched to focus groups, all of which agreed it was morally questionable but said they would watch it. “It’s completely offensive,” said one group member. “Would I watch it? Yes.”

More than 200 people – including a gay man who was up for the challenge of trying to have sex with a female – applied to be a contestant. They were not told the show was a fake until after the auditions. Real reality stars also bought into the idea of the show. Makosi Musambasi and Craig Coates from Big Brother 6 agreed to host it.

Finally, a party was put on at Europe’s biggest TV sales fair in Cannes to pitch the fake idea to TV channels from all over the world and test their reaction. Disturbingly, it created a real buzz and several offers came in. “As a TV producer, I was really interested in the question of how low my industry would go in its bid to attract viewers and attention, the answer is very low indeed,” says Ms Sage.

Professor David Wilson, who walked out as a consultant on Big Brother for ethical reasons, says the premise of Let’s Make a Baby is morally repugnant and all about cheapening life, but he is not surprised that it attracted so much interest. “Reality TV is not only reinventing the freak show, it’s about bedlam,” he says. “It’s the TV equivalent of slowing down to get a better look at the accident on the other side of the motorway. It’s about getting a view of other people’s misery.

“Those who take part are considered odd or bizarre for wanting to do so, but they are merely products of a society that now holds fame above anything else. All cultural reference points are now rooted in being a celebrity, and not attached to having an intrinsic skill.”

He says there should be an independent body to regulate reality TV, and is also critical of the psychologists and other academics who take part in the shows and “endorse the programmes with a fig leaf of credibility”. But the prize of large audiences and the chance of a big reward take over people’s moral compass, says Alan Hayling, head of documentaries at the BBC.

“Very intelligent people are operating in a moral vacuum,” he says. “The moral of the tale of Let’s Make a Baby is, sadly, that it is terribly, terribly easy, over only eight weeks, to show how low reality might go.”

So what is the future of reality TV? Will the public lose its appetite for it, will programme makers get a conscience? Neither, and things could get far more extreme, says Professor Wilson. “The limits of this type of TV are limitless. The other year there was a huge web audience for a film on the net of hostages being beheaded. It is about how deep and depraved our imaginations can go.”

And as for Let’s Make a Baby? A Dutch television company is currently making a reality TV show called I want your baby, not your love. In it, men compete to be the one to donate their sperm to a single woman who wants a baby but not a boyfriend. Not quite the same, but close enough.

Let’s Make a Baby will be broadcast on Thursday 26 January at 2230 GMT on BBC Three.

Source: BBC

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Another nail in the coffin of common sense

Posted on October 29, 2009 By admin

Council bans parents from play areas

Score one for Britain in its contest with the United States to create the stupidest fear-based society. The Watford Borough Council took the lead by banning parents from supervising their own kids in public playgrounds, “because they have not undergone criminal record checks.”

The only adults allowed to monitor the kids are idiocracy-vetted “play rangers.” The children’s parents must “watch from outside a perimeter fence.” A council notice to parents explains that: “Safeguarding the children and young people who use the site is one of our top priorities.

“Due to Ofsted regulations we have a responsibility to ensure that every authorised adult who enters our site is properly vetted and given a Criminal Records Bureau (CRB) check by Watford Borough Council.”

Council Mayor Dorothy Thornhill argued they are merely enforcing government policy at the play areas, in Vicarage Road and Leggatts Way. She said: “Sadly, in today’s climate, you can’t have adults walking around unchecked in a children’s playground and the adventure playground is not a meeting place for adults.

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Waited a lot, mumbled a bit, became British.

Posted on June 17, 2009 By admin 3 Comments on Waited a lot, mumbled a bit, became British.

I affirmed a pledge of allegiance to Her Majesty the Queen yesterday and became naturalized as a British citizen. The ceremony was, to be honest, a bit hokey, but the symbolism of it was nice. It would have been a lot better if I hadn’t been in the middle of a nasty migraine. Afterwards, people were complimenting Katy and I on how well behaved the beastie had been. He, of course, was flirting with everything that would smile at him.

The highlight of the day came when we were making our way to the Cambridge City Council offices and ran into Santa Claus in his off-duty summer outfit. Imagine a fat old dude, with a kick-ass white beard, fabulously working flaming, scarlet red trousers and a buttoned shirt of the same colour. Fantabulous!

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It’s not broken, don’t fix it.

Posted on April 30, 2009 By admin

Top Gear may be forced to hire new presenters as part of a government push to make the show more gender and ethnically balanced. This week the Equality Bill was introduced into Britain which encourages employers to take “positive action” to widen diversity in the public sector workforce. Top Gear, along with a number of shows funded by the BBC, now fall under the Bill.

There has been pressure on the boys who review their mechanical toys to change, with a leading academic earlier this month saying that the BBC should employ more women to help make shows such as Top Gear “female-friendly”, reports London’s Daily Mail.

Dr Louise Livesey, tutor in sociology and women’s studies at Oxford, accused Top Gear of “entrenched, institutional sexism”. As well as being hosted by Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May, the car show has a “boys’ club” production team and fewer female than male guests, it was claimed.

But Top Gear executive producer Andy Wilman claimed it was “utter drivel” to suggest that the show excluded women, saying: “If the show is allegedly female-unfriendly, why is almost half the audience female? Secondly, if we are to have a female presenter just to represent the sexes, then by that logic Loose Women needs a bloke in the line-up pretty sharpish. I actually believe these sorts of mandates are patronising to women viewers, because they assume that women can’t enjoy a show’s presenters on merit, but can only appreciate a program if spoken to by one of their own sex.”

Top Gear is one of the most successful and popular shows on the Beeb. It’s not broken. The formula works. Leave it the hell alone.

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Holy crap, I’m British!

Posted on April 16, 2009 By admin 3 Comments on Holy crap, I’m British!

I’ve just received a phone call from the lawyer handling my immigration case. I am now officially British†. I’ll shortly be getting my certificate of naturalization, with which I will be able to apply for a full British passport. YAWP!

This means, of course, that more money needs now leave my poor, depleted account. We’ve just this morning transferred close to £37,000 to our solicitor to cover the house deposit and all the various fees that are the last step before the contract exchange, and then the house is ours.

Egads!

† Conditionally on calling up the Cambridge registry office and setting up an appointment to take an oath to the Queen, of course :)

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