Tag: the hand

The hand is in touch with its inner Scottshand. 

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: one to change it, and one to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT LADDER.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What did the perverted frog say?
Rubbit!

What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

What’s large, grey and doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.

What do you call a snobbish prisonner falling down stars?
A condescending con descencing.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin mobile.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam!

How do you feel when you’re out of coffee?
Depresso.

How do you catch a bra?
With a booby trap!

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said “Bach! Bach! Bach!”

What does a Mexican decorator put under his carpet?
Underlay! Underlay!

What kind of dinosaur has the best vocabulary?
The Thesaurus Rex.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other one is a little lighter.

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?
Someone who points out the obvious.

What does do vegan zombies eat?
GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS!

What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.

What do you call two Spanish guys playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

A man walks into a bar holding a piece of asphalt.
The man says “one beer please, and one for the road”.

How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it!

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing, but it let out a little whine.

Did you hear that Santa relocated his workshop to Brazil?
That’s why all my Christmas presents came from Amazon last year.

Why did the pig stop sunbathing?
He was bacon in the heat.

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I went to a zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

Sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says “get out, we don’t serve food here”.

Font walks into a bar. The bartender says “get out, we don’t serve your type here”.

Did you hear the one about the blonde bank robber? She tied up the safe and blew the guard.

How do you keep a blonde busy?
Write “flip” on both sides of a sheet of paper.

How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day?
Hand her a bottle of shampoo that says “lather, rinse, repeat.”

Why do blondes stare at orange juice containers for hours on end?
Because they say “concentrate.”

Why’d the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing out all the W’s.

A Mormon, a Muslim, and a Buddhist walked into a bar,
which is strange as none of them are allowed to drink alcohol.

“We don’t allow faster than light travel in here”, said the bartender.
A neutrino walks into a bar.